1. thanks for writing

    a. we value your input

    b. we're really, really sorry to hear you're unhappy (really)

 

2. let me clarify the company's position

    a. if you disagree with us, it must be because you don't understand

       our policy

    b. here's why we do what we do

        i.   we have a policy that tells us to do it this way

        ii.  we're used to doing it this way and we won't change

        iii. our way is the best way

    c. it's nothing personal

        i.   don't feel bad, we're not trying to make you happy

        ii.  in fact, consider yourself lucky that things aren't worse

        iii. we're trying to keep billions and billions of other

             people happy

        iv.  gee, everybody else seems to like us just fine, so why

             can't you?

 

3. now, don't you feel better knowing we have a reason for doing it

   our way?

    a. trust us, we know better than you

    b. if you're a thinking person, you'll see it our way

    c. we're too busy to worry about malcontents who would continue

       to pester us further

        i.  now that we've explained our policy, we've answered your

            complaint

        ii. if that doesn't satisfy you, then you're the problem, so

            hit the road!

 

4. have a nice day

    a. thanks for bringing your complaint to our attention, we love

       answering questions like this

    b. don't worry anymore, we've got the situation under control

        i.  we're doing just fine our way

        ii. clearly, the trouble was that you didn't understand

            our policy

    c. feel better now?

 

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