HUMOR.004

Between HUMOR.002 and this file, the Birthday Cake game happened.
See the file HUMOR.003 for details. Gerald May won it.

Subj:  Back to the Birthday             Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  Gerald May <SL6, 9>      76146,3137     # 4860, * No Replies * 

Burgy,

Is it remotely possible that some prankster in the mansion kitchen just
might have added a few extra candles to the cake (about 15, say)?

Perhaps you could check with the kitchen staff and make sure whether an
error was made there...? Can't get good help these days, I know...

If it's true, and if I were her (the guest of honor), I would likely be
EXTREMELY DISPLEASED with the insult, and my retribution might be severe.

I think it's probably good I spend most of my time in the 12-step section.
Some things like this I sink my teeth into and just can't let go.

If I'm right, though, I think I should get a prize and you'd better give
the candle-counter a good talking-to. (g)

From:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     # 4872, * No Replies * 

Hmm. My math (or my lookup capability) is surely deficient!
You win! She was 38, not 53 years old when the deed was done!
You also win the persistence prize!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
And now we return you to your regularly scheduled humor.

Here is one I picked up recently from Gary Zumwalt:

Working with a computer can be a religious experience.
   Often you talk to God and tell Him what He can do with the computer.
  
From:  TERRY  STEER             71664,614      # 5266, * No Replies * 

What's the difference between a Liturgist and a Terrorist?
You can negotiate with a Terrorist.

From:  Granville  Scott         70543,1770     # 5380, * No Replies * 

        "I eat my "p"s with honey,
        I've done it all my life,
        It makes the "p"s taste funny,
        But it keeps them on the knife."
                ---"p"salms 151

From:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     # 5288, * No Replies * 

Mrs. Miller, getting on in years, lived alone,
and was seldom seen at church anymore. The pastor
decided he better make a call.

Seated in her living room, he cautiously broached the subject.
"I wonder if you are giving proper attention, Mrs. Miller, 
to the hereafter?"

"Gracious yes," she replied. "Almost every day I get up and
go into the other room, then say to myself, 'What the
dickens am I here after?'" 

From:  Sysop Tom Sims           75300,761      # 5410, * No Replies * 

And when the pastor came to call, he couldn't resist the bowl of peanuts
on the table and began to munch as they chatted.

Soon the bowl was empty and he apologized.

She said, "It doesn't matter, honey, I've already 
sucked the chocolate off of them."

By permission of Tom Sims...

... Reminds me of something a Denominational dude told me before I became
pastor of a former church: "Tom," he said, "Ya gotta remember one thing;
the same people who keep that church from dying are the ones that keep it
from growing."
  
Numbers are not data.
      Data are not facts.
       Facts are not information.
        Information is not knowledge.
         Knowledge is not truth.
          Truth is not wisdom.
           Wisdom is not virtue.
            Virtue is not love.
             Love, however, is not chocolate!           -- jb   

Picked up a signature line from Granville Scott elsewhere in
this forum, which struck me as funny:

"We gather together to gather together!"

My brother, a Lutheran minister, tells me his church's motto is similar:

"Whenever we meet, we eat!"  

        DNA -- the ultimate programming language
 
   DNA is a unpretentious, yet potent language, written using just four
   symbols. These symbols appear in triplets to form twenty commands
   and three punctuation marks. Remarkably, DNA is a one-pass
   compiler. Despite its simplicity, no one yet understands
   it fully, possibly due to the want of documentation. Work has begun
   on a manual, which is expected to take decades to develop.
 
   DNA has been around longer than COBOL! There are many
   DNA-coded programs in use today. Some DNA-based systems
   have solved economics problems, piloted airplanes, won chess
   matches, slam dunked basketballs, graduated from
   top colleges, and managed large corporations.
   Despite these achievements, DNA is generally regarded
   as inappropriate for artificial intelligence programming.

From:  John W. (Burgy) Burgeson 73531,1501

How about humorous definitions, relating to religion?
Like these from Ambrose Bierce:

Abdomen: The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with 
         sacrificial rights, all men engage. From women, this ancient
         faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes 
         minister at the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way,
         but true reverence for the one deity that men really
         adore they know not.

Air: A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence
     for the fattening of the poor.

From:  Gerald May <SL6, 9>      76146,3137     # 4608, 1 Reply 

Love: That pleasant confusion we know exists. (James Thurber)

From:  Granville  Scott         70543,1770     # 4627, * No Replies * 

Our four weapons are surprise,
fear, a fanatical devotion to Webster's, and.....

Oh drat, let me start again....

From:  Sysop Tom Sims           75300,761      # 5829, 1 Reply 

Inconsistentism - belief in a system of beliefs that are neither
systematic nor entirely reliable (ie.. believable) when divorced from
their immediate context and emotional presuppositions; closely related to
cognitive gymnastics and philosophical expedientism. True
Inconsistentists begin with a Premise X (M is wrong or N is right because
I have always assumed it to be) then move to a process whereby they sort
out the various philosophical arguments for or against M or N. When they
have found arguments that support their presuppositions, they embrace
those arguments without investigating their history, their own particular
premises, or the logical conclusions of pursuing them to their ends.

When inconsistencies are discovered they are either (a) ignored (b)
embraced as signs that they must be on the right track ... or else they
would not be having these problems, or (c) lies of the devil.

Inconsistentism is a useful tool for those who are tired of the drudgery
and inconvenience of critical thinking and are looking for a more
comfortable custom-made philosophical environment where contrary thinking
is easily dismissed. It is an ideal approach for nineties-type people.

Inconsistentism provides a virtual cafeteria of ideas and philosophies to
suit the predisposition of the moment. No need to integrate with
Inconsistentism. The key word is: compartmentalize. When plagued with
annoying questions about the application of a given idea to another life
situation, just send that question to another department. They have their
own policy.

From:  TERRY  STEER             71664,614      # 5849, * No Replies * 

I heard a cute reference this weekend at a retreat when we were discussing
prayer postures.  A woman told that in the church she grew up in that the
Rector was particularly agitated with parishers who did not fully kneel
but used the pull as support.  He called these people "RUMP CHRISTIANS."

Hymn titles from various people:

"While Shepherds Washed Their Sox By Night"
"Gladly, the cross-eyed bear."
"May the Good Keep Bless, and Lord It Over You"

From:  Ben Johnston             74152,1235     # 6147, 3 Replies 

I kinda like the combination of two hymns: "Will There Be Any Stars In My
Crown?" and "No, Not One."

From:  Jim Brichetto            73563,2260     # 6154, 1 Reply 

Why do we sing hymns instead of hers?    

From:  Sysop Tom Sims           75300,761      # 6164, * No Replies * 

Please turn in your hernals to ...

From:  Sysop Tom Sims           75300,761      # 6165, * No Replies * 

After a sermon where the congregation was admonished to throw all their
liquor bottles  in the river, they were dismissed by singing,

"Shall we Gather at the River?"

From:  Stan or Karen            73562,3310     # 6167, * No Replies * 

>>I kinda like the combination of two hymns: "Will There Be Any Stars In
My Crown?" and "No, Not One."<<

"O That Will Be Glory for Me" -- Stan

ps -- here is a hymn for those proud of tithing:

1/10th to Jesus I surrender
1/10th to Him I freely give,
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

I surrender 1/10th
I surrender 1/10th
1/10th to Thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender 1/10th.

From:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     # 4591, 1 Reply 

Continuing the series of daffy definitions. More from Bierce:

Aborigines: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil
            of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to
            cumber; they fertilize.

Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with
           one's own opinion.

Accident: An inevitable occurrence due to the action of
          immutable natural laws.

Discussion: A method of confirming others in their errors.

Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, 
        our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one
       who speaks without knowledge of things without parallel.

All of these, of course, from THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.  

From:  Granville  Scott         70543,1770     # 5900, 1 Reply 

<<Isaiah 16:11:

        "My bowels shall sound like a harp for Moab"....this is what we,
who have "tuned ourselves for praise", refer to as an "organ recital". I
believe that those of a more charismatic bent call this "voices from
departed spirits".

"There is a bomb in Gilead"

From:  Gerald May <SL6, 9>      76146,3137     # 5924, * No Replies * 

I'll just sing "Go, Smell it on the Mountain...."

Conceding defeat. (which are attached to deankles)

This concludes HUMOR.004. HUMOR.005 will be along in due season.