HUMOR.002

More contributions to Religious Humor, section 14

From:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     # 1982, * No Replies * 

Joe Carson sent me the following info... .

In the April  "Christianity and Computing" there is a brief article
about a Christian Humor software release, "Rev. Lowell's 
Treasury of Humor."

It's in six "volumes" the first of which, "He who laughs, lasts," is
available free.  (but $10 for S&H!)  Entire set is about $80.   (540)
526-8470 to order.

    Nine reasons God never received tenure at the University:

    1. He had only one publication.
    2. It was not in a major language.
    3. It had no references to prior publications.
    4. It was not published in a refereed journal.
    5. Some questions have arisen about use of other writers.
    6. Scientists are having trouble replicating his results.
    7. He has not been showing up to teach classes.
    8. His cooperative efforts have been very limited.
    9  His students are not doing well following his text.

From:  Pope Rich, CoB           73642,1107     # 2655, 1 Reply 

WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT ANY UNIVERSITY:

1.  He had only one major publication
2.  It had NO references
3.  It wasn't published in a referred journal
4.  Some even doubt he wrote it.
5.  It may be true that he created the world, but what has it done
    since then?
6.  His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
7.  The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his
    results.
8.  He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human
    subjects.
9.  When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning
    the subjects.
10.  When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
     the sample.
11.  He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
12.  Some say he had his son teach the class.
13.  He expelled his first two students for learning.
14.  Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed
     his tests.
15.  His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a
     mountaintop.

From:  Haleveh                  76727,770      # 2665, * No Replies * 

Not only that, but he forgot Adam and Eve's bellybottons!

(Now THERE is a new word! <G>)  Burgy

From:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     # 2698, * No Replies * 

A Prayer to Science

Science is my keeper, I shall not want.
It makes me to lie down on soft mattresses.
It leads me on the eight lane freeway.
It rejuvenates my glands
And takes me in the paths of analysis for peace of mind sake.
Yea though I walk through the valley of the devastated inner city
I will fear no attack, for SCIENCE is with me.
Its radar and police protection, they comfort me.
Science prepares a banquet before me in a world of 800,000 starving kids.
It anoints my head with 56 varieties of hair conditioner.
My beer glass foameth over with a selection the kings could not equal.
Surely prosperity, pleasure and the "good life" will follow me
All the days of my life.
And I will dwell here in Shangri-La -- until then.
Then what?   

From:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     # 2699, * No Replies * 

I was looking for a "religious" tongue twister -- all
I could find even close was:

Moses supposes his toeses are roses,
But Moses supposes erroneously.
Cause nobody's toeses are roses
As Moses supposes his toses to be.

That's bad. Anyone have something better?
  
From:  Exec.Vice-Pope TJ        76212,3626     # 2738, * No Replies * 

Plus, has he ever returned phone calls ?

Subj:  Clean stand-up material          Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  Robert A. Alper          74722,662      # 3332, * No Replies * 

I'm looking for religious material...true or imaginary...suitable for use
in a stand-up comedy act and/or a religious comedy book.        

An example:  the minister walked into the men's room and found a little
yellow post-it note stuck to the electric hand dryer reading, "Press here
for a message from the pastor."

Got the idea? Many thanks for your contributions, which I'll feel free to
use totally without attribution <G>.

From:  Ann Cummings             71230,2547     # 3515, * No Replies * 

Robert - you might consider joining EcuNet which has several sections on
humor.  Call them at 1-800-733-2863 for more info. - Ann

From:  Keir Jones               76004,101      # 3588, * No Replies * 

       "I can see our house from here" might be a bit too much for some
people, although I think Jesus Himself would laugh. It 's hard to come up
with religious humor that's not offensive, especially when most of the
jokes apply to somebody else's religion.

From:  Kim M.                   74043,1472     # 3592, * No Replies * 

Okay...I have to tell my favorite one.  It's only horrible to the
hypersensitives, imho. (How's that for a disclaimer?) At the last
supper...Jesus stands up and takes the bread and blesses it and breaks it
and says, "This bread is my body, which will be broken for you..." (you
know the rest)  Then he takes the wine and says "This wine is my blood,
which will be spilled for you, etc. etc."  From the back of the room
someone yells, "Sit down, you're drunk!"<<<<<<<<<

From:  Kim M.                   74043,1472     # 3591, * No Replies * 

   Joseph and Mary were in the manger, puzzling over a name for the child,
but to no avail. Joseph was pacing up and down until he tripped over a
sheep.
   "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
   "That's a nice name," said Mary. Sure better than "Irving."

From:  Dieter P. Reda           75607,2250     # 3302, 1 Reply 

Does anyone have the complete text to the parody of the Hymn "Onward
Christian Soldiers"?  I have only a partial recollection of the following
stanza:

Like a mighty tortoise, moves the church of God.
Brothers we are treading, where we've always trod.
We are much divided, many factions we...

{and that's as far as I got}.

If any one knows the rest of the verse, or the other verses, I would
appreciate it.

Dieter.

From:  Kenneth Porter           76161,3013     # 3726, * No Replies * 

Speaking of the Last Supper, have you seen Mel Brooks' History of the
World, Part 1? Mel plays a waiter and a painter is called in to get a
"snapshot" of Jesus and the disciples. Mel is passing behind Jesus at that
moment with a big shiny serving platter and freezes for a moment for the
"photo", which then is revealed to be the famous painting, with the
platter standing in for J's halo. <g>

During the installation of new lighting inside Liverpool Cathedral, an
electrician working in the roof space accidentally left the elevator door
open, preventing anyone below from calling it. Visitors were stunned to
see the Clerk of Works standing in the middle of the cathedral, yelling
heavenward, "Peter! Close the gates!"

From:  Gerald May <SL6, 9>      76146,3137     # 1841, * No Replies * 

Saint Peter's been standing at the pearly gates for a long time, checking
people in, keeping people out. He's bushed.

Jesus comes walking along and takes pity on him. "Pete," he says, "you
look like you could use a break. Why don't you let me spell you for a
while and you go get a sandwich or something?"

"Geez, Jesus, that'd be great!" says Peter.

"Only you gotta tell me what to do," Jesus says. "I haven't done this job
before."

"Oh, it's really simple. When someone comes up, all you do is ask them
what they've done to deserve to get into heaven. If it's good enough, let
'em in. You know, it's a judgment call."

"Okay. I think I can handle that. Take off. Have fun." So Jesus takes over
at the gate, checks a few people in. He's just beginning to get a little
bored when along comes an old man, carrying some carpenter's tools.

"Well, friend," Jesus says to the old man, "What have you done to warrant
getting into heaven?"

"Oh, it wasn't me." says the old man, "I am just a lowly carpenter. It was
my son who did the wonderful things. He was born in a strange way,
underwent a miraculous transformation, and to this day people all over the
world remember his name."

Jesus, with tears of joy in his eyes, opens his arms to the old man.
"Father!" Jesus cries.

The old man opens his arms in return. "Oh, is it really you, Pinocchio?" 

#
From:  Gerald May <SL6, 9>      76146,3137     # 3788, * No Replies * 

There once was a nun who, as they say in those circles, "had a special
devotion to Mary." She spent her whole life praying to Mary, saying the
Rosary, visiting pilgrimage sites where visions of Mary had appeared. When
she died and went to heaven (of course), Mary herself welcomed her through
the pearly gates.

"I just had to welcome you," said Mary. "I've never known anyone who so
completely dedicated their life to me."

"Oh, holy Mother," said the nun, "meeting you like this is all I could
have asked for."

"But I want to give you something special," Mary smiled. "Is there
anything you might want to ask, anything I can share with you?"

The nun hesitated, then said, "Well, there is one thing I've been very
curious about. I've seen thousands of pictures and statues of you, and
there always seems to be a little sadness in your eyes. Even when you're
smiling, there's always this slight hint of sadness. And now, looking at
you face to face, I can see it. I've always wondered how you, the Mother
of God, could be sad."

Mary smiled again and said, "I didn't know it showed. I've never told this
to anyone, and I hope you'll keep it a secret. To be perfectly honest,
Jesus is a wonderful boy, but I was hoping for a girl."

From:  Jim Newland              76461,2144     # 3869, * No Replies * 

It seems that little Johnny was a bad kid. One Christmas he had set his
sights on a b.b. gun he had seen in the local department store window.
Determined to do whatever it took to procure the gun, he sat down one day
to think. Aha! He struck on an idea. Taking out a piece of paper and
pencil, he began to write:
   "Dear Jesus, if I can just have that gun, I promise to be good for a
whole year..."
He looked at the note with satisfaction, but then a realization struck
him: there was just no way he could be good for a whole year. He was just
too bad a kid. So he crumpled up the letter and started anew:
   "Dear Jesus, if I can just have that gun, I promise to be good for a
whole month..."
But a moment of reflection revealed the awful truth: it was manifestly
impossible for him to be good for even a month. Yet he determined to give
it one more try:
   "Dear Jesus, if I can just have that gun, I promise to be good for a
whole week..."
But, as you have guessed, Johnny knew that this, too, was a lie, so he sat
down again to think up a new approach. Suddenly, lighting on an idea, he
sprang from his seat and ran to his mother's bedroom, where he took from
her bedside table a tiny statue of the Virgin Mary. Going to the closet,
he grabbed an empty shoebox, and also one of the pretty red bows his
mother had bought for the holiday gifts. Returning to his own room, he
laid the statue in the box and tied it up very nicely with the bow.
Placing the box under his bed, he began to write:
   "Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."
 
From:  Karen Hall               76261,2251     # 3824, 1 Reply 

>>You hide it well.<<

That's sorta my  mission in life.  I'd like to be able to reach all those
people who are being repulsed by fundamentalism.  And to me, it starts
with being able to have a sense of humor about myself.

My own faith is admittedly screwy.  I think that Christianity is complete
lunacy.  I just happen to believe it and love it anyway.

(I love that "Peter, are you going to leave me, too?" passage.  Peter
seems to reply, "I think you're a lunatic, but I also think you're who you
say you are, so what am I gonna do?  I have to stay."  That's how I feel,
anyway.

From:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     # 3951, * No Replies * 

The tourist in Israel wanted to go look around on his own. He found a
fisherman who said he'd take him anywhere. "I want to see where Jesus
walked on the water," the man said. 
"OK," said the fisherman.
"How much?," said the tourist. 
"Three hundred dollars!" was the reply.
---------
"Now I know why he walked!"  

End of HUMOR.002