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COURT.HTM
Disorder in the Court: a Collection of
'Transquips'
Most language is spoken language, and
most words, once they
are uttered, vanish forever into the
air. But such is not
the case with language spoken during
courtroom trials, for
there exists an army of courtroom
reporters whose job it is
to take down and preserve every statement
made during the
proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor
of the National
Shorthand Reporter has collected many of
the more hilarious
courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor
in the Court (1977)
and More Humor in the Court, published a
few months ago.
From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are
some of my favorite
transquips, all recorded by America's
keepers of the word:
Q.
What is your brother-in-law's name?
A.
Borofkin.
Q.
What's his first name?
A.
I can't remember.
Q.
He's been your
brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?
A.
No. I tell you I'm too
excited. (Rising from
the
witness chair and pointing to Mr.
Borofkin.) Nathan,
for God's sake, tell them your first
name!
Q.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A.
I refuse to answer that question.
Q.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A.
I refuse to answer that question.
Q.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A.
No.
Q. What is your name?
A.
Ernestine McDowell.
Q.
And what is your marital status?
A.
Fair.
Q.
Are you married?
A.
No, I'm divorced.
Q.
And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A.
A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q.
Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A.
I will be three months November 8th.
Q.
Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A.
Yes.
Q.
What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q.
Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A.
I should be.
Q.
How many times have you committed suicide?
A.
Four times.
Q.
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A.
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q.
Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A.
Yes, sir.
Q.
Before or after he died?
Q.
Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under
the influence?
A.
Because he was augmentable and he couldn't pronunciate his
words.
Q.
What happened then?
A.
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q.
Did he kill you?
A.
No.
Q.
Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?
A.
No. This is how I dress when I
go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask
you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your
minds, if you have any.
Q.
Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A.
No.
Q.
What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A.
Picking them up in the air.
Q.
Where was the dog at this time?
A.
Attached to the ears.
Q.
When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to
and were able, for the time being
excluding all the
restraints on her not to go, gone
also, would he have
brought you, meaning you and she,
with him to the
station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
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