BUSINESS.HTM

 

 

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest.  They were

looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type

managers.  Here are some of the submissions:

 

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building

using individual security cards.  Pictures will be taken next

Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

(This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in

Redmond, WA)

 

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will

encounter.

(Lykes Lines Shipping)

 

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

(Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

 

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.  It

should be used only for company business.

(Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

 

5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more

important interfere with it.

(Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

 

6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.  No one

will believe you solved this problem in one day!  We've been working

on it for months.  Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you

know when it's time to tell them.

(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)

 

7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that

only needed corrections.  She claims the disk I gave her was damaged

and she couldn't edit it.  The disk I gave her was write-protected.

(CIO of Dell Computers)

 

8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I'

say."

(Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

 

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.

When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss

work on the busiest day of the year.  He then asked if we could

change her burial to Friday.  He said, "That would be better for me."

(Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

 

10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not

going to discuss it with the employees.

(AT&T Long Lines Division)

 

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This

is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the

subject mentioned above."

(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

 

12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him

concerning a project I was working on.  I asked him if tomorrow would

be soon enough.  He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have

waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"

(New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

 

13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo

reviewing our company's training programs and materials.  In the body

of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach"

used by one of the training manuals.  The day after I routed the memo

to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's

office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the

building by lunch.  When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't

stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company.  Finally

he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired,

with the word "pedagogical" circled in red.  The H.R. Manager was

fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary

and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not

to worry.  He would take care of it.  Two days later a memo to the

entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be

found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.

A month later, I resigned.  In accordance with company policy, I

created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the

Sunday paper.

(Taco Bell Corporation)

 

14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo

from a large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is

endeavouringly determined to promote constant attention on current

procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative

ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"

 

Thanx to Paul Calvert for this contribution.

 

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