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HUMOR.007

7th in a series of posts to Religious Humor of

Compuserve's Religious Issues forum.

Subj: A Theoretical Physicist Section: Religious Humor [14]

From: JW Burgeson <SL5 14> 73531,1501 # 9591, * No Replies *

Perhaps my favorite physicist joke is the

theoretical physicist who was also a Christian.

His prayer, one day, was heard as follows:

"Dear Lord, forgive me the sin of arrogance. And, Lord,

by arrogance, I mean the following... ."

This joke may be found on page 15

of an exquisite book titled THE GOD PARTICLE, by

Leon Lederman. Houghton-Miffin, 1993. There are gems like this

on nearly every page.

Subj: Salieri's Prayer Section: Religious Humor [14]

In the movie, Amadeus, the composer, Wolfgang Mozart,

is portrayed, particularly in his younger years,

as someone whose fork had lost a couple of tines.

His rival, Salieri, has a line which is precious:

"Why, Oh Lord, did you encapsulate so transdendent

a composer in the body of an asshole?"

BTW -- have you ever heard any of Salieri's compositions? They

are quite -- sweet. They are -- OK. If Mozart had been

throttled at birth, he might have been moderately famous today.

It is only when you hear Mozart immediately after hearing

Salieri that you recognise the gulf between

competence and genius.

From: JW Burgeson <SL5 14> 73531,1501 # 9593, * No Replies *

This is a joke friend wife just pulled on me.

I'm playing the character of God in a three act play

at our Presbyterian church here in Austin. Our audience is

the members of the "Joy" class, about 15 to 25

mentally-challenged adults.

Last week, in Act 1, I (with my

trusty angel staff) created the earth. Tomorrow, in Act 2, I

will build the fauna & flora. Next Sunday, I am to create humanity!

But Monday I go into the hospital for heart tests. My wife just told our

other staff member she was concerned that I might not make it Monday.

"How," she said, "could I possibly tell the Joy class members that God was

dead!"

Nice to know I might be missed! <G>

Subj: Descartes Section: Religious Humor [14]

Not too many people know how Rene Descartes met his end.

Very sad story.

Seems he was at a party one night.

A friend asked him if he'd have a drink.

"I think not," ...

From: Sysop Bill Potts 76665,3265 # 9677, * No Replies *

Very good, Burgy -- the ultimate test of Cartesian logic.

Bill

(Not one to ever put Descartes before deshorse)

Subj: Calvin Section: Religious Humor [14]

From an ASA friend -- this gem:

I posted on my office door this recent cartoon of Calvin & Hobbes:

Calvin, looking at the night sky: "Look at the stars. The universe just

goes on and on forever!" Hobbes: "It kind of makes you wonder why man

considers himself such a big screaming deal." Calvin (inside, playing

computer game:) "That's why we stay inside with our appliances."

Subj: Liturgic Limericks Section: Religious Humor [14]

From: Granville Scott 70543,1770 # 10617, 1 Reply

A saint, named Drucilla of Hyde,

Once ate a bad apple, and died.

The apple fermented,

Inside the lamented,

Making cider inside her inside.

Subj: Liturgic Limericks Section: Religious Humor [14]

From: dave 76260,453 # 10630, * No Replies *

there once lived a Nazarene, Jesus

who spoke of the wisdom that frees us

some people disected

his words they'd collected

and wrote them all down to appease us

now everyone has a translation

of the Nazarene's great revelation

but a book is a book

and the closer you look

you'll discover the book's not salvation

for Christ didn't come just for scholars

nor those with connections or dollars

love God, those you meet,

and the man on the street

is as close to the kingdom as collars

there was an old hermit named dave

who lived by himself in a cave

this news reached the ears

of Ken Burns and his peers

and the PBS special's the rave

Subj: Liturgic Limericks Section: Religious Humor [14]

From: Granville Scott 70543,1770 # 11006, * No Replies *

Samson was strong, but a pinhead,

The Philestines wanted him dead,

He played bedroom games,

With one of their dames,

And wound up the Bible's first skinhead.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO WRITE GOBBLEDEGOOK

1. Begin with a tautology (a statement so obvious the reader learns

nothing from your saying it):

Technical writers write manuals.

2. Cast the tautology in the passive voice (permits acts without

agency, thus escaping responsibility. The only voice of

gobbledegook):

Manuals are written by technical writers.

3. Substitute noun laden phrases for simple nouns, taking care to use

latinate words instead of anglo-norman:

Documentation providing instructions is written by personnel

functioning in the capacity of technical writers.

4. Substitute an abstract verb for the specific:

Documentation providing instructions is prepared by personnel

functioning in the capacity of technical writers.

5. Re-insert the specific verb, but expressed as a prepositional phrase:

Documentation providing instructions is prepared by means of

writing by personnel functioning in the capacity of technical

writers.

6. Embellish with meaningless adjectives (these are the ones that 'sound

good' and are subject to change over time):

Integrated documentation providing instructions of a detailed

and general nature is prepared by means of architected writing

by personnel functioning in the capacity of technical writers.

This was composed many years ago to demonstrate the linguistics of

bureauocracy.

COMPUTER TRIVIA QUIZ... Match the number with the answer

(1) If it is not there and you can see it

(2) If it is there and you can't see it

(3) If it is there and you can see it

(4) If it is not there and you can't see it

(a) it's gone

(b) it's real

(d) it's transparent

To: Wild ducks everywhere Date: 23-Jun-95 14:47

QUACK

Wild Duck --> *KCAUQ*

lunatic fringe --> %HONK%

#Cockadoodledoo# <--- beyond the fringe, (totally quackers)

Subj: The One bullet Manager Section: Religious Humor [14]

To: Managers everywhere Date: 23-Jun-95 14:47

I picked this gem up many years ago (1989)

from an IBM colleague -- written when the

"One Minute manager" concept was getting so much press. It speaks of

nine "books;" this is the only one I've ever seen.

The One-Bullet Manager

Fourth in the Rampant House series of self-help books.

Book 1. I'm OK, You're DOA

Book 2. Winning Through Annihilation

Book 3. What Color Are Your Guts?

Book 4. The One-Bullet Manager

Book 5. Intimidation; The Key to a Successful Relationship

Book 6. Winner is All; Attila, Napoleon, Hitler, Hussein

Book 7. The Myth of the Peace-seekers

Book 8. Being Loved Isn't Everything; Its Nothing!

Book 9. Keeping Your Family in Line

Diogenes, despairing of the quest for an honest person,

determined to search for the ideal manager. His journey took him

to military war rooms, to corporation board rooms, to the seats

of governmental powers, yes -- even to the Vatican! He met with

"hard nosed results-oriented" managers, with "participative

managers, with leaders who espoused theories of "X," "Y" and

alphabet soup. Some were kind and good. Others were mean and

evil. One was kind and evil! All succeeded for a time, but then

stumbled and fell as events overtook them. Diogenes was

discouraged.

One day there came to Diogenes a report of a manager in a faraway

land who had accomplished things too great to be believed. At the

end of his rope, Diogenes travelled off to see him. At last he

gained entrance to the man's office. He found him there, dressed

in plain military fatigues, totally absorbed in the task of

cleaning and reassembling an automatic pistol. Close by, an

interpreter sat at rigid attention.

The manager waved him to a small camp stool. "How can I help

you," he asked through the interpreter.

"I have a few question about your management style," Diogenes

responded. The manager smiled, nodded, and said something in his

language. The interpreter jumped about a foot, then gave the

translation: "Shoot."

"Do you schedule regular meetings with your staff?" ask Diogenes.

"Certainly."

"Can you tell me how these proceed?

"Well," said the manager, fondling his pistol, "I listen

carefully while my people review their accomplishments and

setbacks of the previous week. I then evaluate everyone's

performance based on the goals I have personally set. Then I

select the poorest performer and shoot him."

"You kill him?"

"Of course," said the manager, with visible impatience. "Why else

would I shoot him? Here, look at the sign on my desk."

Diogenes looked at the sign, carved into a bone. It read:

PEOPLE WHO ARE TERRIFIED

PRODUCE

As he examined the sign, and reflected on its probable origin,

the manager spoke again, "Let me ask you a question." Do you see

that beam near the ceiling?" He pointed to a thick pole near the

roof, about ten feet from the floor. Diogenes nodded his assent.

"Do you think you could reach it if you jumped?" asked the

manager. Diogenes, no athlete, badly out of shape from many years

of wandering without proper attention to either diet or exercise,

returned "I hardly think so."

The manager pointed the pistol at Diogenes feet and fired; the

next thing Diogenes knew he was swinging by his hands from the

pole and staring at his right shoe, missing about 1/2 inch of its

tip. The manager said nothing, but simply gazed at him.

"I think I get your point," Diogenes panted, as he dropped back

to the floor and sat back on the camp stool. "Now, would you

describe yourself as a hands on manager?

"Not at all," rejoined the manager. "More a hands up manager, or,

the term I prefer, and my preferences seem to pretty much carry

the day, a One-Bullet manager." I use that term because a bullet

is the only thing I need to motivate my people and get results."

"That's all?" questioned Diogenes, remembering the countless

hours he had spent listening to other managers babble on about

Productivity Analysis, Goal Formation, Authority Flow Structures,

and such.

"You don't believe me, do you?" declared the manager, again

caressing the PISTOL.

"I believe you, I BELIEVE YOU," exclaimed Diogenes.

Just then a very nervous woman came in with a notebook. The

manager spoke with her briefly; the interpreter did not

translate. When the conversation terminated, the manager got up,

went over to the woman, shook her hand enthusiastically and shot

her in the foot. She hopped rapidly out the door, obviously

making a great effort to avoid shrieking in pain, for the

manager's shot had clearly removed a great deal more that the

first 1/2 inch of her shoe. Diogenes, concerned, could not help

exclaiming "What was that all about?"

"That was a One-Bullet Goal Setting Meeting," the manager

replied. I meet regularly with all of my staff and explain to

them the goals I have set. Then I give them a reminder of the

problem they will encounter if they fail to meet those goals.

This One Bullet Goal Setting Meeting is one of my three secrets

of my One Bullet Management Style"

Diogenes, by this time having more curiosity than common sense

remaining, could not help his next question. "What are the other

two secrets?" Even as he asked, he felt great disquiet. Perhaps

he had best go back for his search for an honest person!

"Let me demonstrate," said the manager, and Diogenes began to

feel even worse. Another staff member was summoned. He looked

very frightened. The manager looked him in the eye, said a few

stern-sounding words to him, put his arm around his shoulders,

and shot him in the head.

As the body was being carried out, the manager spoke. "When one

of my staff fails to meet a goal, I make it a point to tell him

right away. I call this, the second of my secrets, the One-Bullet

Reprimand."

Diogenes had the distinct feeling he ought to conclude his

meeting as quickly as possible, but his philosophic curiosity

impelled him to ask the obvious question, "And if someone does

meet their goals?"

"I'm glad you asked me that," returned the manager. "I have on my

staff a real go-getter. He has what it takes to get the job done

and move ahead."

The man entering the room was confident, even cocky, holding his

head high and smiling. The manager was smiling too, as he arose,

went directly to the man, shook his hand vigorously, talked to

him for a long time in earnest friendly tones, then shot him in

the head.

"That was my One-Bullet Praise," said the manager, returning to

his desk and reloading the pistol. "I wanted him to know that I

was aware how well he was doing and how close he was coming to be

able to replace me!"

The manager could see that Diogenes, although he had now been

exposed to the three secrets of his management style, was still

having trouble comprehending it. He felt sad. "You've seen my

truth motto." Let me show you my philosophy motto. He handed

Diogenes a second carved bone. It read:

POWER COMES OUT

OF THE BARREL OF A GUN

As he read the plaque, Diogenes reflected on the manager's

unusual approach. Deep in thought, he failed to hear the soft

click as the manager racked a fresh bullet into the chamber. "I

am pleased that you're so interested in One-Bullet Management,"

said the manager with great sincerity. But I fear your interest

is somewhat too great... ."

Subj: Beware of pickles! Section: Religious Humor [14]

PICKLES - IN MANY CASES - PROVE FATAL !!!

It's true! According to an authoritative study data released by the

Lamesa, Illinois Exposition System:

Consider the facts -

1. Nearly all sick people have eaten pickles.

2. 99% of all cancer patients who perish have eaten pickles.

3. Over 93% of all convicts have eaten pickles.

4. Nearly 80% of all people involved in serious automobile accidents

consumed two or more pickles within three weeks before the accident.

It is also true that pickle eaters have more accidents than

non-pickle eaters.

5. 95% of all troubled youth come from homes where pickles are served.

6. People born in the year 1871, who subsequently have eaten even one

single solitary pickle, have experienced a 100% mortality rate.

7. A survey of pickle eaters born between 1910 and 1920 reveal that

nearly all have wrinkled skin, brittle bones, failing eyesight and

have lost many of their teeth.

8. Finally, an experiment was made. A group of rats, force-fed with three

pounds of pickles per day for 30 days, were observed to have lost

their appetite for wholesome food. A control group from the same

litter, not so treated, showed no ill effects.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED !!!

Subj: The preacher Section: Religious Humor [14]

One of my brother's favorites (He is a Lutheran minister):

Rev Brown was the invited speaker that day. But Rev Brown

was getting on -- and tended to be somewhat absent-minded.

Following an effusive introduction by the pastor, he began.

"Ladies & gentlemen, I am so happy to be here in ..."

(he forgot what city he was in. But quickly recovered)

"... your fair city and worshipping with you at this, the historic..."

(couldn't remember the name of the church! But recovered again)

"... place of worship of so many generations. My dear friend... "

(the pastor's name was completely out of his reach)

"... has generously given me sermon time this morning."

(Whew, he made it thus far)

"So let's begin with a prayer. In the name of our Lord, ... "

(Sometimes you just have to give up! I have asked my brother, if

this were to happen to him, what he would saay next! He has

never given me an answer, that I can recall.

Subj: Liturgic Limericks Section: Religious Humor [14]

From: Granville Scott 70543,1770 # 11092, * No Replies *

There was a young priest from Havana,

Who slipped on a peel of banana,

He wanted to swear,

But the Bishop was there,

So he whistled "The Star-Spangled Banna".

here's one I'll start, you finish....

A Moonie, a Nun, and a Buddhist,

Once met at a camp that was nudist.....

From: dave aguilar <SL19> 76260,453 # 11140, * No Replies *

okay... got it:

a moonie, a nun and a Buddhist

once met at a camp that was nudist

this may sound bizarre

but most truths in life are

and, see, Auschwitz was not for the prudest

From: Sysop Bill Potts 76665,3265 # 11223, * No Replies *

<<(1) If it is not there and you can see it

(2) If it is there and you can't see it

(3) If it is there and you can see it

(4) If it is not there and you can't see it

(a) it's gone

(b) it's real

(d) it's transparent>>

1c, 2d, 3b, 4a.

Bill

First the easy ones.

From: Sysop Bill Potts 76665,3265 # 11287, * No Replies *

<<It's just something we prophets do.

Just prophet stuff.>>

I guess we could call that religion for fun and prophet.

Subj: Liturgic Limericks Section: Religious Humor [14]

From: Granville Scott 70543,1770 # 11295, 1 Reply

>>Auschwitz was not for the prudest<<

ouch! hey, if you're gonna play rough, I'm gonna put on my helmet and

pads....besides, sacred cows are not in season.....how about:

A Moonie, a Nun, and a Buddhist,

Once met at a camp that was nudist,

Divest of their habits,

They frightened the rabbits,

With contests to prove who was rudest.

They held a parade,

Through the sun and the shade,

With a drum, and a flag, and a flutist.

They later repented,

Exploits documented,

By an undercover cartoonist.

Said the two to the Moonie,

"No, you are not looney,

Here everybody is a Moonist"

From: Don Schaffner 72302,3104 # 11261, 1 Reply

>> HOW TO WRITE GOBBLEDEGOOK <<

This is great! I'm going to share it wih my graduate students, with the

instructions to start at #6 and work backwards!

From: Gareth Morrell 73051,2240 # 11339, * No Replies *

>> This is great! I'm going to share it wih my graduate students, with

the >>instructions to start at #6 and work backwards!

I wonder if any of them will notice the incorrect definition of

"tautology" ("a statement so obvious the reader learns nothing from your

saying it"). The statement given ("Technical writers write manuals")

certainly isn't one! :) It would be a good test for them...

Subj: A gem from the past Section: Religious Humor [14]

Re: Recommended PC Software

Some PC software that is recommended includes the following:

1. Lotus 1-2-3. Imagine how useful this would have been if you

were John Maynard Keynes. Simple arithmetic would have revealed

the terrible flaw in your economic theories. Governments the

world over would not be printing worthless paper to cover their

debts. A PC would cost $4.37. Thousands of economists would

have found honest work.

2. Wordperfect. What if you were Julius Caesar. You'd like to rule

the world, but first you have to write a book about how all Gaul

is divided into three parts and so forth. You do not have

a PC writing tool. Your writing becomes slow, mistake-ridden and arduous.

The Senate becomes impatient. You know the rest. Generations of

school children curse your name.

3. Compuserve. Imagine you are Queen Victoria. One day, an excited young

man arrives, claiming that he can instantly connect you with the

Empire. He promises wealth, and knowledge, through the use of

electronic messaging techniques and access to remote data sources. His

name is H. G. Wells. You conclude he is quite mad. A century later, you're

lucky to still have the Falkland Islands.

4. dBASE IV. Say, for instance, you are Joan of

Arc. You're going places, but certain people want to make it hot

for you. With this database system, you could keep current data on

both friends and foes. Like birthdays, addresses, likes and

dislikes, etc. Who knows? The right greeting card to the right

Inquisitor at the right time might have made a difference!

5. A Hard File Organizer pacgage. You're

the President of the United States and 27 people with 38 problems

are crouching outside the Oval Office waiting to seize your

attention. If you let them all in at once, like Jimmy did, you'll

lose the next election.

6. Pop-Ups. Memory resident Alarm, Calculator, Calendar and a Notepad

facility that could save your life. You're Napoleon. Josephine

enters the room one night to tell you "Ze pipes are broke and

zere is water in the loo." You scribble a note to yourself to fix

them - but the nearest scrap of paper happens to be the "order of

the day". A week later your army is defeated at some obscure

Belgian village nobody ever heard of before.

7. Presentation Package. What do you mean - you still prepare

presentations on sheets of papyrus? How do you tell the end from the

beginning? How do you keep organized? You're the President of a very

large, very successful computer company. Using your PC, you

re-organize your company so that at long last there are no

overlapping products or market channels. Unfortunately, you then

wake up.

8. VisiCalc. You are the president of Amalgamated Buggy Whips,

Inc. As long as the Amish folks are around, you will always have

a market.(Note - I love the Amish folk. But they are darn

difficult to drive behind on a country road!)

9. APL. You are a scientist, working alone, except for faithful Igor, at

night, in your dark castle, in Transylvania. All is well, until you

use BASIC as an analysis tool. With APL, you would have gotten the

results in time to re-direct the experiment. 100 years later, Michael

Landon makes a fool of himself in "I was a Teen Age Werewolf". Of course,

with APL it is unlikely anyone would be able to understand you!

End of HUMOR.007