Subj:  OK -- go figure                  Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     # 8816, 1 Reply 

Can you figure out what is going on here?

"Wail, wail, wail," set disc wicket woof, "evanescent ladle rat rotten
hut! Wares or putty ladle gull goring wizard ladle basking?"

"Hoe-cake, murder," resplendent ladle rat rotten hut, end tickle
ladle basking an stuttered oft.  Honor wrote tudor cordage offer
groin murder, ladle rat rotten hut mitten anomalous woof.

"Armor goring tumor groin murder's," reprisal ladle gull.  "Grammar's
seeking bet. Armor ticking arson burden barter end shirker cockles."

"O hoe! Heifer blessing woke," setter wicket woof, butter taught tomb
self, "Oil tickle shirt court tudor cordage offer groin murder. Oil
ketchup wetter letter, an den -- O bore!"
  Yonder nor sorghum stenches, done stopper torque wet strainers.

     Over, over razz Maia Rotten Hut Khan?
     Over, over Kanji bee?

Zee villi derdego
Tauzan buzzess ennero
nojo, demain buzzess demmiz truxx
Summit cousin, summit dux.

Ici bili, heres ago
Fortibus es inaro
Noces mari, thebi trux
Vatis inim? 
Pax a dux!

Have fun! 

From:  Sysop Bill Potts         76665,3265     # 8834, * No Replies * 

Wooks wike Wittwe Wed Widing Hood to me.

From:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     # 8883, * No Replies * 

You might be surprised how long it takes 
12 year olds to figure that out! Anyway -- 
part of it is something else -- part is a VERY
old poem (?) which dates back to the
turn of the century. (I was younger then). <G> 

Subj:  This is depressing               Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     # 8884, * No Replies * 
  To:  All                                     Date: 05-Jun-95 20:05   

 A friend was standing in front of a soda machine saying,
"You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much of a future, either.
People are going to be punching you all your life. Then you are going
to be replaced by a much better looking button."

I foolishly asked what he was doing.

He pointed to the notice on the front of the machine which said,

          "Depress flavor button for no ice."
Subj:  Time flies                       Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  Sysop Bill Potts         76665,3265     # 8826, * No Replies * 
  To:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     Date: 05-Jun-95 12:36   

<<The species "time fly" enjoy arrows. "Time" is an adjective.>>

Not really. It's a noun in apposition.

Subj:  New file: HUMOR.ZIP              Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  Sally Ryce <LIBS>        75300,3556     # 8875, * No Replies * 
  To:  All                                     Date: 05-Jun-95 19:15   

 [73531,1501] JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     Lib:14
   Bin,  Bytes:    34639, Count:     0, 05-Jun-95

   Title   : The 1st 5 HUMOR.nnn files
   Keywords: FUNNY JOKES

   This file contains HUMOR.00n where nnn = 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5.
   Contributions to this section from inception to 6/4/95. 
   Read about God's Tenure Plan,
   Vehicles in the Bible, Fractured hymn titles, Employee Performance
   Plan, jokes suitable for the pulpit, jokes not so suitable, etc. 
   If you don't crack a smile along the way, check your pulse.  Burgy


1. (with a stop watch). Time the flies like you would time an
   arrow in flight. "Time" is a verb.

2. The species "time fly" enjoy arrows. "Time" is an adjective.
3. Time goes by as swiftly as an arrow in flight. "Time" is a noun".
  (in apposition, according to Bill. I cave to his expertise here. jb)

4. ??
This is the story of the lion tamer.
The poor fellow had his left arm and leg eaten by his charges.
His friends visited him in the hospital.
"There's nothing left of him," said the pessimist.
"He's all right now!" said the optimist.  

From:  Eric Brierley (NC-USA)   71163,2657     # 9289, 2 Replies 

Here is a slightly less 'violent' version.

An 8 ounce glass held 4 ounces of water.

"It is half empty," said the pessimist.
"It is half full!" said the optimist.

For all of you 'whether' people out there ...

The sky was 50% overcast and 50% clear.

"It is partly cloudy," said the pessimist.
"It is partly sunny!" said the optimist.

From:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     # 9382, * No Replies * 

You forgot the realist, who said 
"The glass is twice as big as it needs to be." 

Again, the realist, who observed that at any
given point of the earth's surface, it was either one or the other. 

Wife goes with her husband for his medical checkup.
After the exam, the doc calls her into his office for a private meeting.
He tells her that unless she takes care, her husband has only six months
to live. "You've got to make sure he is well fed," he says, "and he needs
a lot of rest. Don't let him do any chores around the house. Keep the 
house spotless to avoid germs."

On the way home, the husband asks her what the doctor said,

She looked at him and said, "You've got six months to live."  

Subj:  The solution to RRHOOD           Section: Religious Humor [14]

From:    Michele S. Cox, 76177,1704

"Well, well, well," said the wicked wolf, "<??> Little Red Riding Hood!  
Where's our pretty little girl going with her little basket?"

"OK, mother," responded Little Red Riding Hood, and took a little basket 
and started off.  On her route to the cottage of her grandmother, Little 
Red Riding Hood met an enormous wolf.

"I'm going to my grandmother's" replies the little girl.  "Gramma's sick 
in bed.  I'm taking her some bread and butter and sugar cookies."

"Oho!  Have a pleasant walk," said the wicked wolf, but he thought to 
himself, "I'll take a short cut to the cottage of her grandmother.  I'll
up with her later, and then -- O boy!"

Under no circumstances, don't stop to talk with strangers.

O where, o where has my Riding Hood gone?
O where, o where can she be?

(Now I'm starting to get confused....)

Thousand busses in a row
No, Joe, them ain't busses; them is trucks
What's-a-name? <---- well, so it's a guess...
<?> Some ate ducks??????

<???> years ago
Forty busses in a row
"No," says Mary, "They be trucks
What is in them?
Packs of ducks! <---- I think ducks come in flocks??? What is this 

<<Have fun! >>

I did!  Can you tell me if I'm close?  What were the right answers?

From:    John W. (Burgy) Burgeson, 73531,1501

Very good! Let's see -- it's been 20 years since I deciphered
those! Here is what I come up with:

Zee villi derdego                   See Willie! There they go!
Tauzan buzzess ennero               A thousand busses in a row!
nojo, demain buzzess demmiz truxx   No, Joe, them ain't busses,
Vazzinem?                             Them is trucks!
Summit cousin, summit dux.          What's in them?
                                    Some with cows in -- some with ducks!

Ici bili, heres ago        I see, Billy. Here they go!
Fortibus es inaro          Forty busses, in a row!
Noces mari, thebi trux     Not such, Mary, they be trucks.
Vatis inim?                What's in them?
Pax a dux!                 Packs of ducks!

These last two ditties are very old -- dating back to at least the
early 1900s when trucks and busses were the "new technology." 
They are vaguely ethnic -- probably not politically
correct in the 1990s, except that they are so obscure that one
easily offended cannot really be sure it is his/her group 
being satired!

it is always easier to ask forgiveness than plead for permission!

Subj:  The solution to RRHOOD           Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  Sysop Bill Potts         76665,3265     # 9253, * No Replies * 

Caesar ad sum iam forte.
Brutus et erat.
Caesar sic in omnibus.
Brutus sic in at.
Subj:  The pig with a wood leg          Section: 

A guy driving in the country.
Sees a pig with a wooden leg, hobbling around a farmer's front yard.
Intrigued. Wouldn't you be?
Stopped; went to the door, knocked.
When the farmer appeared, asked him about the animal.

"Oh yes," said, the farmer. "That's Homer. We owe a lot to Homer!
A year or so ago, our house caught on fire, and it was Homer that
made pig noises outside until we roused ourselves. Without
Homer, we'd have all died a horrible death!"

"Is that how he got his wooden leg?" asked the traveler.

"No," said the farmer, "but let me tell you about last year. Last
year my small daughter was swimming in the tank (Texas for "pond")
and was drowning. Homer plunged in and dragged her to land! We sure
do own a lot to Homer!

"But the leg!" expostulated the frustrated traveler.

""Well," said the farmer, slowly. "Homer being so special, and all,
We just couldn't bring ourselves to eat him all at once!"  

Subj:  Etiquette                        Section: General Topics [1]
From:  Sysop Bill Potts         76665,3265     # 9395, * No Replies * 

<<A good thing celibacy is not hereditary...>>

Well, Wayne, it has been said that, if your parents had no kids, the
chances are that you'll have none too.
From:  Richard Gross <SL10 17>  74230,2136     # 1090613, * No Replies * 

Help me.  My store of jokes is dwindling and I need new ones to tell my
wife and kids.  I promise to blame them on you if they bomb.  :-)

Send me your tired, your poor, your wretched refuse...
It can be no worse than mine...and certainly no older.  :-)

From:  Georgia and David        73531,417      # 1091394, * No Replies * 

 How many Harvard student's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
 1 to screw in the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.

  Knock Knock
   Who's there?
  Who Who
 Better call the humane society we got an Owl in the yard.

From:  Richard Gross <SL10 17>  74230,2136     # 1091714, * No Replies * 

Thanks.  I am a lightbulb joke freak.  My favorite is funny to me because
I can identify with it.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, thank you.  I will just sit in the dark.

It's OK if you don't think it's funny.  My kids don't either.

Subj:  All how you look at it           Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  Judy Watt                74001,2234     # 9402, * No Replies * 

>>You forgot the realist, who said 
"The glass is twice as big as it needs to be." <<

Or maybe there's just plenty of room in the glass to swirl the water
around, so if that's what needs to be done, then the glass is just the
right size? <s>

From:  Eric Brierley (NC-USA)   71163,2657     # 9547, * No Replies * 

In order to be 'politically correct' we can't leave out the fatalist (That
is a pessimist with an attitude. A real BAD attitude.):

"Who cares. It's not enough water to live so I'm going to die anyway."

    - and -

"So what! That just means it will rain 50% of the time and I'm going to
get wet."

Yet still, we best not forget the pragmatist:

"I'll make do with however much water is there."

    - and - 

"I'm not at any point on the earth, I'm here. So I better take sun screen
and an umbrella."