A continuation of immortal musings in the Religious Humor section.
(Lost a few around Memorial day -- sorry)

An oxymoron is a figure of speech in which
opposite or contradictory ideas or terms are combined, 
like 'thunderous silence', or 'sweet sorrow'. 
In other words, it's usually two words that normally don't go together.

Feel free to add to this list.

 Civil War             good loser                new tradition
 freezer burn          cardinal sin              divorce court
 down escalator        criminal justice          intense apathy
 even odds             manic depressive          jumbo shrimp
 peace offensive       genuine synthetic         artificial intelligence


 When outside in summer, I put 'Off on'.
 organized religion
 Microwave Oven (Is there such a thing as a Microwave Refrigerator?)
 textbook pregnancy
 Military Intelligence
 Bologna Delight 
 pretty ugly
 Drink up!
 positively not (negatively yes?)
 deferred action
 same difference (or, exact same difference)
 partially complete
 undetermined status
 When you say "HEADS UP!" people duck.
 Greater Chicago
 good grief!
 Mild hot sauce
 Hot water heater (don't you usually heat cold water?)
 Near miss
 Non stop flight (you never get there)
 Semi boneless
 Evolution Science (for those on one hand)
 Creation Science (for those on the other)
 Political Science (for all others)
 Internal Revenue Service
 Luxury Motel
 slow speed
 fine mess   (ie "This is another fine mess you've gotten me into!")
 Amateur Talent
 Professional Wrestling

Subj:  Hymn Titles                      Section: Religious Humor [14]

Andy walks with me andy talks with me andy tells me I am his own
"Come by? Yeah.. my Lord come by. Yeah!" (sung as a child)

From:  Charles K. Blackwel      102001,3652    # 6240, 1 Reply 

Saw your joke about the two hymns. Heard that one a long time ago. Guy was
walking by the Methodist church where they were singing  " Will there be
any stars in my crown?" and as he passed the Baptist church they were
signing, "Have we a Friend like the Lowly Jesus, in which the chorus is:
No, not one.

From:  Robert J. Lieffort       76624,2240     # 6382, * No Replies * 

My favorite wedding processional, "Turn back O Man, forsake thy foolish

From:  Stephen Moss             74603,712      # 6436, * No Replies * 

From the Anglican perspective there is that great hymn for
The Feast of the Circumcision -- "Oh sacred head sore wounded" 

From:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     # 6248, * No Replies * 

From a company who shall remain nameless, this sad story:

     In the beginning was the plan.
     And then came the assumptions.
     And the assumptions were without form.
     And the plan was without substance.
     And darkness was upon the face of the workers.
     And they spoke among themselves saying,
     "It is a crock -- and it stinketh."
     And the workers went unto their supervisors and said,
     "It is a pale of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
     And the supervisor went unto their managers and said,
     "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that
      none may abide by it."
     And the managers went unto their directors, saying,
     "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
     And the directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
     "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."
     And the directors went unto the vice presidents, saying unto them,  
     "It promotes growth and is very powerful."
     And the vice presidents went unto the president, saying unto him,
     "The new plan will promote the growth and vigor of the company, with
      powerful effects."
     And the president looked upon the plan and saw that it was good.

 And the plan became policy.

     This is how sh*t happens.
Six Project Stages

- Wild Enthusiasm
- Disillusionment
- Total Confusion
- Search for the Guilty
- Punishment of the Innocent
- Promotion of the Non-Participants
Subj:  Definitions                      Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  Mark R. Sandstrom        72406,303      # 6341, 1 Reply 

I hear that Bunnies don't like Rap Music, but they do listen to Hip Hop!

From:  Granville  Scott         70543,1770     # 6478, 1 Reply 
        This is one of my two-year-old's favorites...--   "Jesus
Loves Me, Yes and No".

        (And no, I DIDN'T teach him this one---he learned it at his
Baptist day care center) He was singing this at the top of his little
voice at the public library last weekend, which prompted the heathen
librarian to ask us to leave......

        "Young lady", I replied, "We've been kicked out of classier
scriptoriae than this! We shall take our joyful noise to the Lord

        And with that, we made a dramatic exit, amid swirling clouds of
confusion. Actually, the exit would have been more dramatic if I hadn't
lost my mitre in the revolving door....

From:  Jeremy Garton            100304,772     # 6737, 1 Reply 

Presumably for the same reason that we say Amen and not Ah! Women! <g>

From:  Ben Johnston             74152,1235     # 6762, * No Replies * 

>>I surrender 1/10th<<

That's great! For some reason, this brings to mind a little song we used,
years ago, with junior highs. The refrain of the song was, "Use me, Lord;
use me, Lord--but not right now." Does anyone have information as to the
title, author, source, etc.? I sure wish I had a copy of the verses.

From:  Ben Johnston             74152,1235     # 6764, * No Replies * 

Charles, your mention of the Methodist church reminds me of the time my
son, then age 3, was riding his tricycle in front of the house as the
next-door neighbor walked by. He said (as we still remind him!), "Hi,
Rosie, where are you going?"
"To the Methodist Church," she replied.
"Aw, Rosie, you're kidding me, don't say that!"
"Well yes, I am going to the Methodist Church."
"Rosie, you're kidding. You're not going to mess up the church!"

From:  Beverly Scofield         73141,205      # 7429, 2 Replies 

My little brother (years ago) learned "Deep and Wide" but translated it to
his own understanding as "Piece of Pie."

From:  Stan or Karen            73562,3310     # 7500, * No Replies * 

I pastored a church in which an important lay leader was named Odel Bate.
For many months one little kid (now grown up) thought "Trust and Obey" was
"Trust Odel Bate" 

"Deep & Wide" commentary

        This translation is not as onerous, and is certainly more
theologically correct, than the original translation....this hymn was
originally published in "Canciones Borracho" in Madrid in 1655, but did
not appear in English until 1835, when it was translated for "The Sacred
Mouth-Harp, and Other Joyful Noises". There, the original title, "Abajo Y
Gordo", was translated as "Low and Fat".

"What A Friend We Have In Chocolate"

"What a Friend we Have in Cheeses."

From:  Granville  Scott         70543,1770     # 6827, 1 Reply 

        Holly Lu Yah.....I haven't heard that name since
was pignight at the old Mane Padme Sigma House....She came, as I recall,
with Round John Virgin....but that's another story.....

        As to your earlier inquiry regarding "Come by, Yeah!", I have done
some additional research at the archives of the Hukton Phonics Institute,
which has yielded the following gems for your edification:

        "Come by, Yeah", the popular campfire spiritual, traces its
origins to several folk traditions. The first of these was a Cajun
Moravian tune, "Gumbo, Ya!" which was traditionally sung by Swedish
Moravians in the bayou as a blessing prior to church suppers. The second
was "Goombay, Yo!", a work song sung by Bahamian workers preparing for the
tourist season.

        This type of hymn is classified as an "infinity carol", so named
because it has an infinite number of possible verses, and because those
singing it are usually tired of it long before its over. Other popular
hymns of this genre include "Michael Road" and "100 Bottles of Barrabas

"Just As I Am, Without Pokey"

"Are You a Real Modo, Or Just A Quasimodo?"

Subj:  Oxymorons anyone?                Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  Sysop Tom Sims           75300,761      # 6695, * No Replies * 

Let's see, on the bus there is a sign that says, "Stop Ahead."

What about the body? - Tom

Subj:  Oxymorons anyone?                Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  Dan Listermann, Cin      72723,1707     # 6876, 1 Reply 

My favorite is  "Justice Scalia."

From:  Larry Reyka              72516,475      # 7200, 2 Replies 

Let us not forget Moral Majority!

From:  George Ashley<SL13>      73504,2476     # 7271, 1 Reply 

Yeah, just like the Holy Roman Empire.<G>

From:  Sysop Bill Potts         76665,3265     # 7304, 1 Reply 

Would someone who traveled all over the country to officiate at ball games
be a wholly roamin' umpire?

Subj:  Jim Bell's book                  Section: Religion & Science [10]
From:  Sean Cavanaugh           70471,160      # 1001712, 255 Replies 

  Imagine my joy when I heard that Jim Bell's novel, "The Darwin
Conspiracy" is finally out!  Such emotion can only be expressed in

  Ohhhh I love them creationists
    Creationists what I love to eat!
  Bite their little heads off
    Nibble on their tiny feet.

  > "Time is limited, so I don't think I'll be rejoining section 10
  > anytime soon."

  Translation:  "I'll never stick my hand in a lion's cage again," said
Jim, offhandedly.

From:  JW Burgeson (Burgy) SL10 73531,1501     # 1001746, 1 Reply 

Haven't heard a "Tom Swifty" in quite a while.

"Could not think of a 'real' Swifty," he added imaginatively. 

"I predict more of these," he indicated ominously.     

From:  Sean Cavanaugh           70471,160      # 1002035, * No Replies * 

  "It ain't easy, though.  I haven't thought so hard since the lobotomy,"
said Sean, half-wittedly.

Subj:  apocalyptic hymnody               Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  Steve Hollander          70262,145      # 8112, * No Replies * 

And there is the story of the acolyte who, like Shakespeare, had small
Latin and less Greek.  During the Preparation, he was observed beating his
breast while saying, "Me a cowboy, me a cowboy, me a Mexican cowboy."

Subj:  Why is it                        Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     # 8439, * No Replies * 

Subject:On the Lighter Side ...
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor
 when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
 why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, which would land down first?

You know how most packages say "Open here".
 What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere-else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Subj:  apocalyptic hymnody               Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  Granville  Scott         70543,1770     # 8277, * No Replies * 

<<"Me a cowboy, me a cowboy, me a Mexican cowboy.">>

Most Blessed Holylander---

        Latin is such a wonderful language, largely because it lends
itself to artistic license when translated into English---but we had to
draw the line in our parish when an over-zealous bulletin editor rendered
"Agnus Dei" into "I Got It From Agnes".

        Even quite literal translations, when rendered into current
vernacular, produce unexpected results.....we also had to quash the Youth
Mass translation of "irreprehensibilis est" into "It Doesn't Suck...Kewl!"

---Cardinal Fang, TC
Admin. of Theological Correctness
"All <non-human companions> Great And Small"

Subj:  Worker Performance Plan          Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     # 8605, * No Replies * 

This is how the employee performance plan works at one company:

(note -- need to display or print this at 80 columns)

Employee Performance Appraisal --  by Burgy (1988 or so)   
            |Always      |Often       |Sometimes   |            |
            |Exceeds     |Exceeds     |Exceeds     |Meets       |Needs
Area        |Requirements|Requirements|Requirements|Requirements|to
Work Quality|Leaps tall  |Leaps tall  |Leaps short |Often bumps |Unable to
            |buildings   |buildings   |buildings   |into        |identify
            |in a single |with a      |when        |buildings   |buildings
            |bound       |running     |prodded     |            |
            |            |start       |            |            |
Promptness  |Faster than |As fast as  |Would you   |Frequently  |Wounded
            |a speeding  |most        |believe a   |misfires    |with gun
            |bullet      |bullets     |slow bullet?|            |last week
Adaptability|Walks on    |Keeps head  |Washes with |Drinks water|Passes
            |water       |above water |water       |            |under
            |            |under stress|            |            |         
Communica-  |Talks with  |Speaks to   |Talks to    |Argues with |Loses
tions       |God         |Angels      |self        |self        |Arguments
            |            |            |            |            |with self
Safety and  |20 years on |Missed a    |Broken leg  |Broke       |Burnt the
health      |the job -   |couple days |several     |manager's   |plant
            |never sick  |once        |years ago   |leg recently|yesterday
Courtesy    |Often seen  |Usually     |Confines    |Sometimes   |Kicks old
(male)      |helping     |assists     |attentions  |mistaken for|ladies
            |little old  |younger     |to teen-    |a little old|nobody is
            |ladies      |ladies      |agers       |lady        |watching
Courtesy    |Respectful  |Respectful  |Sometimes   |E.R.A poster|Female
(female)    |of her      |of her      |picks up the|in her     
            |elders      |elder       |check       |office      |Miss
            |            |managers    |            |            |
Speech      |Always clear|Sometimes   |Mumbles a   |Only we can |Usually
            |and concise |lapses into |lot         |understand  |drunk to
            |            |jargon      |            |this person |talk
Sensitivity |Diplomatic  |Polite      |Blunt       |Tactless    |Offensive
Eating      |Dines with  |Partakes    |Munches out |Eats alone  |Feeds
Habits      |the elite   |with his    |with the    |            |the
            |            |peers       |troops      |            |
Outside     |Active in   |Discusses   |Lives in the|Affairs     |Not
Activities  |community   |community   |community   |discussed by|in town
            |affairs     |affairs     |            |community   |sundown
Smoking     |Abstains    |Smokes Pipe,|Cigarettes  |Cigarettes  |Cigars in
            |            |outdoors    |            |in meetings |meetings
Reaction to |Takes arms  |Faces new   |Suffers in  |Throws up   |Throws up
Problems    |against a   |challenges  |quiet       |arms        |
            |sea of      |with        |            |            |
            |troubles    |resolution  |            |            |
Psychiatric |Well        |Adjusted    |Same as most|Delusions of|Catatonic
Evaluation  |adjusted    |            |of us       |adequacy    |
Problem     |Superb      |Good at     |Can usually |Creates     |Is the
Solving     |problem     |finding a   |identify    |problems    |problem
Capability  |solver      |problem     |the problem |            |
            |            |solver      |            |            |
Programming |Excellent on|Good on many|Knows a     |Has heard of|Unable to
Ability     |all systems |systems and |system and a|either a    |use
            |and all     |some        |language    |system or a |system
            |languages   |languages   |            |language   
Engineering |Creative    |Has designed|Built an    |Usually     |Unable to
Ability     |designer of |sub systems |adapter once|recognizes  |use
            |systems     |            |            |a system, if|system
            |            |            |            |prompted   
Booze       |Tee totaller|A beer with |Social      |Drinks only |Generally
            |            |the group,  |drinker     |to steady   |too
            |            |on occasion |            |self        |to move
Well rounded|A new       |An old      |A person for|A person for|Unable to
            |renaissance |renaissance |all seasons |some
            |person      |person      |            |            |previous
            |            |            |            |            |columns
Sales       |Can sell    |Can sell    |Sold        |Answers     |Owns
Ability     |refrigerator|real estate |newspapers  |mailings    |sets of
            |to an Eskimo|in Texas to |as a child  |from       
            |            |Yankees     |            |insurance   |dias
            |            |            |            |agents      |
Mathematical|Contributes |Understands |No trouble  |Usually gets|Flunked
Ability     |to  learned |calculus    |with algebra|fractions OK|division
            |journals    |            |            |            |
Career      |Promote now |Promote soon|Promote soon|Not ready   |Promote
Ladder      |to          |to          |in same job |for         |to
            |management  |management  |            |promotion  
            |            |            |            |            |
Subj:  Misc stuff semi-funny            Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     # 8606, * No Replies * 

Since this section is low volume, perhaps some people would like
to add other items of possible interest. Here are a few from me: 
"Nothing is so easy as to deceive one's self;
 for what we wish, we readily believe."

Demosthenes (384-322 B.C) Athenian orator, statesman
The number, 1103, is the first of a sequence of "uninteresting" numbers. 
These are numbers which have no unusual properties or characteristics
whatsoever. Being the first of this sequence is, however, an interesting
property of 1103, so that the next number, 26390, becomes the really first
uninteresting number. But, of course, this makes it interesting.  And so
forth :-)
Why does the Michelson-Morley experiment always fail?
1. Something is wrong with the experiment,
2. The earth is the motionless center of the universe. (run the  MM
   on the moon to disprove).
3. The earth moves, and drags the ether with it.
4. All objects grow shorter in the direction of motion. (The
   Fitzgerald contraction).
5. The ether does not exist.
500 BC, Hecataeus estimated the (flat) earth to be 5,000 miles
225 BC, Eratosthenes estimated the earth's diameter at 8,000 miles.
150 BC, Hipparchus estimated the moon at 480,000 miles away
1671, Cassini estimated Saturn to be 1.8 Billion miles
1704, Halley estimated his comet to extend 6.0 Billion miles
1840, von Struve est Vega at 27 light years, the universe at least 54
1906, the galaxy size - 55,000 light years (Kapteyn)
1920, Shapley estimated distance to  Magellanic Clouds at 330,000 ly
1923, Hubble, 5,400,000 ly
1940, Humason, 400,000,000 ly
1963, Schmidt, 2,000,000,000 ly
1973, ?, 24,000,000,000 ly
1995? (obviously, the universe is growing very rapidly!)
Asimov's list of  the 72 greatest scientists

Archimedes              287-212 BC              lever & buoyancy
Aristotle               384-322 BC              codified knowledge
Arrhenius, Svante       1859-1927               electrolytic dissociation
Berzelius, Jons         1779-1848               atomic table
Bohr, Niels             1885-1962               atomic quantum theory
Boyle, Robert           1627-1691               properties of gases
Broglie, Louis V.       1892-                   wave-particle duality
Cannizzaro, Stanislao   1826-1910               chemical calculations
Cavindish, Henry        1731-1810               discovered hydrogen
Copernicus, Nicolaus    1473-1543               heliocentric solar system
Crick, Francis H. C.    1916-                   DNA structure
Curie, Marie S.         1867-1934               discovered radium
Cuvier, Georges L.      1769-1832               comparative anatomy
Dalton, John            1766-1844               atomic theory
Darwin, Charles R.      1809-1882               theory of evolution
Davy, Humphry           1778-1829               electrochemistry
Ehrlich, Paul           1854-1915               disease therapy
Einstein, Albert        1879-1955               theory of relativity
Faraday, Michael        1791-1867               electricity
Fermi, Enrico           1901-1954               subatomic physics
Franklin, Benjamin      1706-1790               electricity
Freud, Sigmund          1856-1939               psychoanalysis founder
Galileo                 1564-1642               astronomy
Gauss, Karl F.          1777-1855               mathematics
Gay-Lussac, Joseph      1778-1850               balloon measurements
Gibbs, Josiah W.        1839-1903               chemical thermodynamics
Halley, Edmund          1656-1742               comet theory
Harvey, William         1578-1657               blood circulation
Heisenberg, Werner      1901-                   uncertainty principle
Helmholz, Hermann       1821-1894               conservation of energy
Henry, Joseph           1797-1878               electric motor
Hreschel, William       1738-1822               Galactic size/shape
Hertz, Heinrich R.      1857-1894               radio waves
Hipparchus              ~200 BC                 astronomy
Hubble,  Edwin P.       1889-1953               expanding universe
Hutton, James           1726-1797               geology
Huygens, Christian      1629-1695               pendulum clock
Kekule von Stradonitz   1829-1896               organic chemistry
Kelvin, William T.      1824-1907               temperature; entropy
Kepler, Johann          1571-1630               solar system model
Kirchoff, Gustav        1824-1887               spectroscopy
Koch, Robert            1843-1910               bacteriology
LaPlace, Pierre         1749-1827               gravitational mechanics
Lavoisier, Antoine      1743-1794               quantitative chemistry
Lawrence, Ernest        1901-1958               cyclotron
Leverrier, Urbain       1811-1877               discovered Neptune
Liebig, Justus von      1803-1873               agricultural chemistry
Linnaeus, Carolus       1707-1778               botany
Maxwell, James  C.      1831-1879               electromagnetism
Mendel, Gregor          1822-1884               genetics
Mendeleev, Dmitri       1834-1907               per table of elements
Michelson, Albert       1852-1931               light velocity
Moseley, Henry G.       1887-1915               atomic number theory
Newton, Isaac           1642-1727               laws of motion
Ostwald, Friedrich      1853-1932               modern physical chemistry
Pasteur, Louis          1822-1895               germ theory of disease
Pauling, Linus C.       1901-                   organic chemistry
Perkin, William H.      1838-1907               synthetic org chemistry
Planck, Max K.          1858-1947               disc energy theory
Priestley, Joseph       1733-1804               discovered oxygen
Roentgen, Wilhelm       1845-1923               X-Rays
Rutherford, Ernest      1871-1937               nuclear atom theory
Scheele, Karl           1742-1786               chemistry
Schwann, Theodor        1810-1882               cell theory
Soddy, Frederick        1877-1956               isotope theo of elements
Thales                  640-546 BC              founder of rationalism
Thomson, Joseph         1856-1940               discovered electron
Van't Hoff, Jacobus     1852-1911               molecular structure
Vesalius, Andreas       1514-1564               anatomy
Virchow, Rudolf         1821-1902               modern pathology
Volta, Alessandro       1745-1827               chemical battery
Wohler, Friedrich       1800-1882               formed urea 

"honorable mention

da Vinci
Fischer  . . .

I would add . . 
From:  Sysop Bill Potts         76665,3265     # 5439, * No Replies * 

<<Does Divinity exist?>>

Sure it does, Burgy, and it's delicious.

Oh, sorry, I thought this was a discussion of fudge and other delectables.
(Never mind.)

From:  Bruce Hammond            72262,1005     # 8644, * No Replies * 

Why is ...You turn down the car radio when you are looking for an address?

Subj:  apocalyptic hymnody               Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  Granville  Scott         70543,1770     # 8073, * No Replies * 

        Mmmmmmm! Gimme That Ol' Time Nutrition! "My Thighs Have Seen the
Glory of the Coming of the Lard....."

As our (unofficial) slogan says,

       Sometimes we write,
       sometimes we wrong.

1. (with a stop watch). Time the flies like you would time an
   arrow in flight. "Time" is a verb.

2. The species "time fly" enjoy arrows. "Time" is an adjective.
3. Time goes by as swiftly as an arrow in flight. "Time" is a noun".
4. ??

Subj:  Misc stuff semi-funny            Section: Religious Humor [14]
From:  John Panning             71151,3001     # 8707, 1 Reply 

Dear Burgy,

Regarding Asimov's list:  Wasn't Helmholtz better known for his work with
sound/acoustics/physics? "On the Sensations of Tone" is a famous work of
his, one of the few truly "scientific" books that deals with my line of
work, pipe organs.

If you can add Edison, what about Tesla? Certainly he was more interested
in pure science than the Wizard of Menlo Park. His polyphase AC system
alone is worth a citation, even if you ignore his fundamental advances in
radio (and lightning, but that's another story <g>).

From:  JW Burgeson <SL5 14>     73531,1501     # 8718, * No Replies * 

Tesla is certainly worth nomination. As for the Helmholtz 
accomplishments, my memory says you may be right -- the list, however, was
Asimov's, including the accomplishments cited.
 Where is a motorcycle mentioned?
..David's triumph was heard throughout the land. 

Laughter is good. Sarah laughs (Gen 21:6) and says we will 
laugh with her. Ecc 3:4 -- "a time to weep and a time to 
laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."

Burgy (6/5/95)

This concludes HUMOR.005.