Would you like to make this site your homepage? It's fast and easy...
Yes, Please make this my home page!
HUMOR.005
A continuation of immortal musings in the Religious Humor section.
(Lost a few around Memorial day -- sorry)
An oxymoron is a figure of speech in which
opposite or contradictory ideas or terms are combined,
like 'thunderous silence', or 'sweet sorrow'.
In other words, it's usually two words that normally don't go together.
Feel free to add to this list.
Civil War good loser new tradition
freezer burn cardinal sin divorce court
down escalator criminal justice intense apathy
even odds manic depressive jumbo shrimp
peace offensive genuine synthetic artificial intelligence
Others:
When outside in summer, I put 'Off on'.
organized religion
Microwave Oven (Is there such a thing as a Microwave Refrigerator?)
textbook pregnancy
Military Intelligence
Bologna Delight
pretty ugly
Drink up!
positively not (negatively yes?)
deferred action
same difference (or, exact same difference)
partially complete
undetermined status
When you say "HEADS UP!" people duck.
Greater Chicago
good grief!
Mild hot sauce
Hot water heater (don't you usually heat cold water?)
Near miss
Non stop flight (you never get there)
Semi boneless
Evolution Science (for those on one hand)
Creation Science (for those on the other)
Political Science (for all others)
Internal Revenue Service
Luxury Motel
slow speed
fine mess (ie "This is another fine mess you've gotten me into!")
Amateur Talent
Professional Wrestling
Subj: Hymn Titles Section: Religious Humor [14]
Andy walks with me andy talks with me andy tells me I am his own
"Come by? Yeah.. my Lord come by. Yeah!" (sung as a child)
From: Charles K. Blackwel 102001,3652 # 6240, 1 Reply
Saw your joke about the two hymns. Heard that one a long time ago. Guy was
walking by the Methodist church where they were singing " Will there be
any stars in my crown?" and as he passed the Baptist church they were
signing, "Have we a Friend like the Lowly Jesus, in which the chorus is:
No, not one.
From: Robert J. Lieffort 76624,2240 # 6382, * No Replies *
My favorite wedding processional, "Turn back O Man, forsake thy foolish
ways."
From: Stephen Moss 74603,712 # 6436, * No Replies *
From the Anglican perspective there is that great hymn for
The Feast of the Circumcision -- "Oh sacred head sore wounded"
From: JW Burgeson <SL5 14> 73531,1501 # 6248, * No Replies *
From a company who shall remain nameless, this sad story:
In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock -- and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their supervisors and said,
"It is a pale of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the supervisor went unto their managers and said,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that
none may abide by it."
And the managers went unto their directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."
And the directors went unto the vice presidents, saying unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the vice presidents went unto the president, saying unto him,
"The new plan will promote the growth and vigor of the company, with
powerful effects."
And the president looked upon the plan and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy.
This is how sh*t happens.
--------------------------------------------------------
Six Project Stages
- Wild Enthusiasm
- Disillusionment
- Total Confusion
- Search for the Guilty
- Punishment of the Innocent
- Promotion of the Non-Participants
Subj: Definitions Section: Religious Humor [14]
From: Mark R. Sandstrom 72406,303 # 6341, 1 Reply
I hear that Bunnies don't like Rap Music, but they do listen to Hip Hop!
From: Granville Scott 70543,1770 # 6478, 1 Reply
This is one of my two-year-old's favorites...-- "Jesus
Loves Me, Yes and No".
(And no, I DIDN'T teach him this one---he learned it at his
Baptist day care center) He was singing this at the top of his little
voice at the public library last weekend, which prompted the heathen
librarian to ask us to leave......
"Young lady", I replied, "We've been kicked out of classier
scriptoriae than this! We shall take our joyful noise to the Lord
elsewhere!"
And with that, we made a dramatic exit, amid swirling clouds of
confusion. Actually, the exit would have been more dramatic if I hadn't
lost my mitre in the revolving door....
From: Jeremy Garton 100304,772 # 6737, 1 Reply
Presumably for the same reason that we say Amen and not Ah! Women! <g>
From: Ben Johnston 74152,1235 # 6762, * No Replies *
>>I surrender 1/10th<<
That's great! For some reason, this brings to mind a little song we used,
years ago, with junior highs. The refrain of the song was, "Use me, Lord;
use me, Lord--but not right now." Does anyone have information as to the
title, author, source, etc.? I sure wish I had a copy of the verses.
From: Ben Johnston 74152,1235 # 6764, * No Replies *
Charles, your mention of the Methodist church reminds me of the time my
son, then age 3, was riding his tricycle in front of the house as the
next-door neighbor walked by. He said (as we still remind him!), "Hi,
Rosie, where are you going?"
"To the Methodist Church," she replied.
"Aw, Rosie, you're kidding me, don't say that!"
"Well yes, I am going to the Methodist Church."
"Rosie, you're kidding. You're not going to mess up the church!"
From: Beverly Scofield 73141,205 # 7429, 2 Replies
My little brother (years ago) learned "Deep and Wide" but translated it to
his own understanding as "Piece of Pie."
From: Stan or Karen 73562,3310 # 7500, * No Replies *
I pastored a church in which an important lay leader was named Odel Bate.
For many months one little kid (now grown up) thought "Trust and Obey" was
"Trust Odel Bate"
"Deep & Wide" commentary
This translation is not as onerous, and is certainly more
theologically correct, than the original translation....this hymn was
originally published in "Canciones Borracho" in Madrid in 1655, but did
not appear in English until 1835, when it was translated for "The Sacred
Mouth-Harp, and Other Joyful Noises". There, the original title, "Abajo Y
Gordo", was translated as "Low and Fat".
"What A Friend We Have In Chocolate"
"What a Friend we Have in Cheeses."
From: Granville Scott 70543,1770 # 6827, 1 Reply
Holly Lu Yah.....I haven't heard that name since college.....it
was pignight at the old Mane Padme Sigma House....She came, as I recall,
with Round John Virgin....but that's another story.....
As to your earlier inquiry regarding "Come by, Yeah!", I have done
some additional research at the archives of the Hukton Phonics Institute,
which has yielded the following gems for your edification:
"Come by, Yeah", the popular campfire spiritual, traces its
origins to several folk traditions. The first of these was a Cajun
Moravian tune, "Gumbo, Ya!" which was traditionally sung by Swedish
Moravians in the bayou as a blessing prior to church suppers. The second
was "Goombay, Yo!", a work song sung by Bahamian workers preparing for the
tourist season.
This type of hymn is classified as an "infinity carol", so named
because it has an infinite number of possible verses, and because those
singing it are usually tired of it long before its over. Other popular
hymns of this genre include "Michael Road" and "100 Bottles of Barrabas
Tall".
"Just As I Am, Without Pokey"
"Are You a Real Modo, Or Just A Quasimodo?"
Subj: Oxymorons anyone? Section: Religious Humor [14]
From: Sysop Tom Sims 75300,761 # 6695, * No Replies *
Let's see, on the bus there is a sign that says, "Stop Ahead."
What about the body? - Tom
Subj: Oxymorons anyone? Section: Religious Humor [14]
From: Dan Listermann, Cin 72723,1707 # 6876, 1 Reply
My favorite is "Justice Scalia."
From: Larry Reyka 72516,475 # 7200, 2 Replies
Let us not forget Moral Majority!
From: George Ashley<SL13> 73504,2476 # 7271, 1 Reply
Yeah, just like the Holy Roman Empire.<G>
From: Sysop Bill Potts 76665,3265 # 7304, 1 Reply
Would someone who traveled all over the country to officiate at ball games
be a wholly roamin' umpire?
Subj: Jim Bell's book Section: Religion & Science [10]
From: Sean Cavanaugh 70471,160 # 1001712, 255 Replies
Imagine my joy when I heard that Jim Bell's novel, "The Darwin
Conspiracy" is finally out! Such emotion can only be expressed in
verse...
Ohhhh I love them creationists
Creationists what I love to eat!
Bite their little heads off
Nibble on their tiny feet.
> "Time is limited, so I don't think I'll be rejoining section 10
> anytime soon."
Translation: "I'll never stick my hand in a lion's cage again," said
Jim, offhandedly.
From: JW Burgeson (Burgy) SL10 73531,1501 # 1001746, 1 Reply
Haven't heard a "Tom Swifty" in quite a while.
"Could not think of a 'real' Swifty," he added imaginatively.
"I predict more of these," he indicated ominously.
From: Sean Cavanaugh 70471,160 # 1002035, * No Replies *
"It ain't easy, though. I haven't thought so hard since the lobotomy,"
said Sean, half-wittedly.
Subj: apocalyptic hymnody Section: Religious Humor [14]
From: Steve Hollander 70262,145 # 8112, * No Replies *
And there is the story of the acolyte who, like Shakespeare, had small
Latin and less Greek. During the Preparation, he was observed beating his
breast while saying, "Me a cowboy, me a cowboy, me a Mexican cowboy."
Subj: Why is it Section: Religious Humor [14]
From: JW Burgeson <SL5 14> 73531,1501 # 8439, * No Replies *
Subject:On the Lighter Side ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor
when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, which would land down first?
You know how most packages say "Open here".
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere-else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Subj: apocalyptic hymnody Section: Religious Humor [14]
From: Granville Scott 70543,1770 # 8277, * No Replies *
<<"Me a cowboy, me a cowboy, me a Mexican cowboy.">>
Most Blessed Holylander---
Latin is such a wonderful language, largely because it lends
itself to artistic license when translated into English---but we had to
draw the line in our parish when an over-zealous bulletin editor rendered
"Agnus Dei" into "I Got It From Agnes".
Even quite literal translations, when rendered into current
vernacular, produce unexpected results.....we also had to quash the Youth
Mass translation of "irreprehensibilis est" into "It Doesn't Suck...Kewl!"
---Cardinal Fang, TC
Admin. of Theological Correctness
"All <non-human companions> Great And Small"
Subj: Worker Performance Plan Section: Religious Humor [14]
From: JW Burgeson <SL5 14> 73531,1501 # 8605, * No Replies *
This is how the employee performance plan works at one company:
(note -- need to display or print this at 80 columns)
Employee Performance Appraisal -- by Burgy (1988 or so)
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
|Always |Often |Sometimes | |
|Exceeds |Exceeds |Exceeds |Meets |Needs
Area |Requirements|Requirements|Requirements|Requirements|to
Improve
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Work Quality|Leaps tall |Leaps tall |Leaps short |Often bumps |Unable to
|buildings |buildings |buildings |into |identify
|in a single |with a |when |buildings |buildings
|bound |running |prodded | |
| |start | | |
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Promptness |Faster than |As fast as |Would you |Frequently |Wounded
self
|a speeding |most |believe a |misfires |with gun
|bullet |bullets |slow bullet?| |last week
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Adaptability|Walks on |Keeps head |Washes with |Drinks water|Passes
water
|water |above water |water | |under
stress
| |under stress| | |
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Communica- |Talks with |Speaks to |Talks to |Argues with |Loses
tions |God |Angels |self |self |Arguments
| | | | |with self
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Safety and |20 years on |Missed a |Broken leg |Broke |Burnt the
health |the job - |couple days |several |manager's |plant
down
|never sick |once |years ago |leg recently|yesterday
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Courtesy |Often seen |Usually |Confines |Sometimes |Kicks old
(male) |helping |assists |attentions |mistaken for|ladies
when
|little old |younger |to teen- |a little old|nobody is
|ladies |ladies |agers |lady |watching
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Courtesy |Respectful |Respectful |Sometimes |E.R.A poster|Female
(female) |of her |of her |picks up the|in her
|Chauvinist
|elders |elder |check |office |Miss
Piggy
| |managers | | |
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Speech |Always clear|Sometimes |Mumbles a |Only we can |Usually
too
|and concise |lapses into |lot |understand |drunk to
| |jargon | |this person |talk
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Sensitivity |Diplomatic |Polite |Blunt |Tactless |Offensive
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Eating |Dines with |Partakes |Munches out |Eats alone |Feeds
with
Habits |the elite |with his |with the | |the
animals
| |peers |troops | |
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Outside |Active in |Discusses |Lives in the|Affairs |Not
allowed
Activities |community |community |community |discussed by|in town
after
|affairs |affairs | |community |sundown
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Smoking |Abstains |Smokes Pipe,|Cigarettes |Cigarettes |Cigars in
| |outdoors | |in meetings |meetings
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Reaction to |Takes arms |Faces new |Suffers in |Throws up |Throws up
Problems |against a |challenges |quiet |arms |
|sea of |with | | |
|troubles |resolution | | |
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Psychiatric |Well |Adjusted |Same as most|Delusions of|Catatonic
Evaluation |adjusted | |of us |adequacy |
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Problem |Superb |Good at |Can usually |Creates |Is the
Solving |problem |finding a |identify |problems |problem
Capability |solver |problem |the problem | |
| |solver | | |
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Programming |Excellent on|Good on many|Knows a |Has heard of|Unable to
Ability |all systems |systems and |system and a|either a |use
plumbing
|and all |some |language |system or a |system
|languages |languages | |language
|(engineer)
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Engineering |Creative |Has designed|Built an |Usually |Unable to
Ability |designer of |sub systems |adapter once|recognizes |use
plumbing
|systems | | |a system, if|system
| | | |prompted
|(programmer)
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Booze |Tee totaller|A beer with |Social |Drinks only |Generally
| |the group, |drinker |to steady |too
steady
| |on occasion | |self |to move
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Well rounded|A new |An old |A person for|A person for|Unable to
|renaissance |renaissance |all seasons |some
seasons|understand
|person |person | | |previous
| | | | |columns
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Sales |Can sell |Can sell |Sold |Answers |Owns
three
Ability |refrigerator|real estate |newspapers |mailings |sets of
|to an Eskimo|in Texas to |as a child |from
|encyclopae-
| |Yankees | |insurance |dias
| | | |agents |
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Mathematical|Contributes |Understands |No trouble |Usually gets|Flunked
long
Ability |to learned |calculus |with algebra|fractions OK|division
|journals | | | |
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
Career |Promote now |Promote soon|Promote soon|Not ready |Promote
now
Ladder |to |to |in same job |for |to
|management |management | |promotion
|management
------------|------------|------------|------------|------------|------------
| | | | |
Subj: Misc stuff semi-funny Section: Religious Humor [14]
From: JW Burgeson <SL5 14> 73531,1501 # 8606, * No Replies *
Since this section is low volume, perhaps some people would like
to add other items of possible interest. Here are a few from me:
--------------------------------------------------------
"Nothing is so easy as to deceive one's self;
for what we wish, we readily believe."
Demosthenes (384-322 B.C) Athenian orator, statesman
--------------------------------------------------------
The number, 1103, is the first of a sequence of "uninteresting" numbers.
These are numbers which have no unusual properties or characteristics
whatsoever. Being the first of this sequence is, however, an interesting
property of 1103, so that the next number, 26390, becomes the really first
uninteresting number. But, of course, this makes it interesting. And so
forth :-)
----------------------------------------------------------
Why does the Michelson-Morley experiment always fail?
1. Something is wrong with the experiment,
2. The earth is the motionless center of the universe. (run the MM
on the moon to disprove).
3. The earth moves, and drags the ether with it.
4. All objects grow shorter in the direction of motion. (The
Fitzgerald contraction).
5. The ether does not exist.
--------------------------------------------------------------
500 BC, Hecataeus estimated the (flat) earth to be 5,000 miles
225 BC, Eratosthenes estimated the earth's diameter at 8,000 miles.
150 BC, Hipparchus estimated the moon at 480,000 miles away
1671, Cassini estimated Saturn to be 1.8 Billion miles
1704, Halley estimated his comet to extend 6.0 Billion miles
1840, von Struve est Vega at 27 light years, the universe at least 54
1906, the galaxy size - 55,000 light years (Kapteyn)
1920, Shapley estimated distance to Magellanic Clouds at 330,000 ly
1923, Hubble, 5,400,000 ly
1940, Humason, 400,000,000 ly
1963, Schmidt, 2,000,000,000 ly
1973, ?, 24,000,000,000 ly
1995? (obviously, the universe is growing very rapidly!)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Asimov's list of the 72 greatest scientists
Archimedes 287-212 BC lever & buoyancy
Aristotle 384-322 BC codified knowledge
Arrhenius, Svante 1859-1927 electrolytic dissociation
Berzelius, Jons 1779-1848 atomic table
Bohr, Niels 1885-1962 atomic quantum theory
Boyle, Robert 1627-1691 properties of gases
Broglie, Louis V. 1892- wave-particle duality
Cannizzaro, Stanislao 1826-1910 chemical calculations
Cavindish, Henry 1731-1810 discovered hydrogen
Copernicus, Nicolaus 1473-1543 heliocentric solar system
Crick, Francis H. C. 1916- DNA structure
Curie, Marie S. 1867-1934 discovered radium
Cuvier, Georges L. 1769-1832 comparative anatomy
Dalton, John 1766-1844 atomic theory
Darwin, Charles R. 1809-1882 theory of evolution
Davy, Humphry 1778-1829 electrochemistry
Ehrlich, Paul 1854-1915 disease therapy
Einstein, Albert 1879-1955 theory of relativity
Faraday, Michael 1791-1867 electricity
Fermi, Enrico 1901-1954 subatomic physics
Franklin, Benjamin 1706-1790 electricity
Freud, Sigmund 1856-1939 psychoanalysis founder
Galileo 1564-1642 astronomy
Gauss, Karl F. 1777-1855 mathematics
Gay-Lussac, Joseph 1778-1850 balloon measurements
Gibbs, Josiah W. 1839-1903 chemical thermodynamics
Halley, Edmund 1656-1742 comet theory
Harvey, William 1578-1657 blood circulation
Heisenberg, Werner 1901- uncertainty principle
Helmholz, Hermann 1821-1894 conservation of energy
Henry, Joseph 1797-1878 electric motor
Hreschel, William 1738-1822 Galactic size/shape
Hertz, Heinrich R. 1857-1894 radio waves
Hipparchus ~200 BC astronomy
Hubble, Edwin P. 1889-1953 expanding universe
Hutton, James 1726-1797 geology
Huygens, Christian 1629-1695 pendulum clock
Kekule von Stradonitz 1829-1896 organic chemistry
Kelvin, William T. 1824-1907 temperature; entropy
Kepler, Johann 1571-1630 solar system model
Kirchoff, Gustav 1824-1887 spectroscopy
Koch, Robert 1843-1910 bacteriology
LaPlace, Pierre 1749-1827 gravitational mechanics
Lavoisier, Antoine 1743-1794 quantitative chemistry
Lawrence, Ernest 1901-1958 cyclotron
Leverrier, Urbain 1811-1877 discovered Neptune
Liebig, Justus von 1803-1873 agricultural chemistry
Linnaeus, Carolus 1707-1778 botany
Maxwell, James C. 1831-1879 electromagnetism
Mendel, Gregor 1822-1884 genetics
Mendeleev, Dmitri 1834-1907 per table of elements
Michelson, Albert 1852-1931 light velocity
Moseley, Henry G. 1887-1915 atomic number theory
Newton, Isaac 1642-1727 laws of motion
Ostwald, Friedrich 1853-1932 modern physical chemistry
Pasteur, Louis 1822-1895 germ theory of disease
Pauling, Linus C. 1901- organic chemistry
Perkin, William H. 1838-1907 synthetic org chemistry
Planck, Max K. 1858-1947 disc energy theory
Priestley, Joseph 1733-1804 discovered oxygen
Roentgen, Wilhelm 1845-1923 X-Rays
Rutherford, Ernest 1871-1937 nuclear atom theory
Scheele, Karl 1742-1786 chemistry
Schwann, Theodor 1810-1882 cell theory
Soddy, Frederick 1877-1956 isotope theo of elements
Thales 640-546 BC founder of rationalism
Thomson, Joseph 1856-1940 discovered electron
Van't Hoff, Jacobus 1852-1911 molecular structure
Vesalius, Andreas 1514-1564 anatomy
Virchow, Rudolf 1821-1902 modern pathology
Volta, Alessandro 1745-1827 chemical battery
Wohler, Friedrich 1800-1882 formed urea
"honorable mention
Hippocrates
Euclid
da Vinci
Goddard
Townes
Fischer . . .
I would add . .
Descartes
Bacon
Edison
--------------Burgy---------------------------------------------------
From: Sysop Bill Potts 76665,3265 # 5439, * No Replies *
<<Does Divinity exist?>>
Sure it does, Burgy, and it's delicious.
Oh, sorry, I thought this was a discussion of fudge and other delectables.
(Never mind.)
From: Bruce Hammond 72262,1005 # 8644, * No Replies *
Why is ...You turn down the car radio when you are looking for an address?
Subj: apocalyptic hymnody Section: Religious Humor [14]
From: Granville Scott 70543,1770 # 8073, * No Replies *
Mmmmmmm! Gimme That Ol' Time Nutrition! "My Thighs Have Seen the
Glory of the Coming of the Lard....."
As our (unofficial) slogan says,
INFORMATION DEVELOPMENT:
Sometimes we write,
sometimes we wrong.
TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA
1. (with a stop watch). Time the flies like you would time an
arrow in flight. "Time" is a verb.
2. The species "time fly" enjoy arrows. "Time" is an adjective.
3. Time goes by as swiftly as an arrow in flight. "Time" is a noun".
4. ??
Subj: Misc stuff semi-funny Section: Religious Humor [14]
From: John Panning 71151,3001 # 8707, 1 Reply
Dear Burgy,
Regarding Asimov's list: Wasn't Helmholtz better known for his work with
sound/acoustics/physics? "On the Sensations of Tone" is a famous work of
his, one of the few truly "scientific" books that deals with my line of
work, pipe organs.
If you can add Edison, what about Tesla? Certainly he was more interested
in pure science than the Wizard of Menlo Park. His polyphase AC system
alone is worth a citation, even if you ignore his fundamental advances in
radio (and lightning, but that's another story <g>).
From: JW Burgeson <SL5 14> 73531,1501 # 8718, * No Replies *
Tesla is certainly worth nomination. As for the Helmholtz
accomplishments, my memory says you may be right -- the list, however, was
Asimov's, including the accomplishments cited.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where is a motorcycle mentioned?
..David's triumph was heard throughout the land.
Laughter is good. Sarah laughs (Gen 21:6) and says we will
laugh with her. Ecc 3:4 -- "a time to weep and a time to
laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."
Burgy (6/5/95)
This concludes HUMOR.005.
