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HUMOR.001
This is the file HUMOR.001, which is the 1st of a planned series.
Being some of the posts that started off the section RELIGIOUS HUMOR:
From: JW Burgeson (Burgy) SL10 73531,1501 # 1020313, 2 Replies
To: Wizop Georgia Griffith 76703,266 Date: 08-Apr-95 20:20
I'd be willing to try the Religious Humor section, Georgia.
Burgy
"Born with a gift of laughter,
and a sense that the world was mad."
Sabatini (Saramouche)
From: JW Burgeson (Burgy) SL10 73531,1501 # 1022020, 1 Reply
Like when the church burned down the preacher
yelled "Holy Smoke?"
(Jokes are like sex -- a bad one is better than none at all).
From: Wizop Georgia Griffith 76703,266 # 1022040, 1 Reply
Ha! Like some of the bloopers printed in church bulletins. "There will be special
baptism ceremonies this pm at four in both the North and South chapels. Babies will be baptized at both ends."
From: Wizop Georgia Griffith 76703,266 # 1022257, 1 Reply
A pastor always used printed notes for his sermons. One day he got to the
bottom of the page and said "And Adam said to Eve .. and Adam said to Eve
... there seems to be a leaf missing!"
From: Sysop Tom Sims 75300,761 # 1022354, 1 Reply
He told me one
on the other preacher who had told on him. He said that Tommy had been
given the job of making announcements before the guest preacher was to take
over. But he had taken about 20 or 30 minutes.
When he had realized that he was embarrassed, but he explained it all by
saying that he had not had so much fun since his wedding night.
Neither he nor anyone else could recover after that remark, so they had to
dismiss the meeting and send everyone home laughing.
From: Hayden 100424,27 # 142, * No Replies *
I thought I would start things moving here, with a quote I picked up today!
Q/ Who were the 5 most constipated men in the Bible?
A/ 1 - Cain wasn't abel
2 - Solomon sat on the throne for 40 years
3 - Moses took 2 tablets and went to the mountains
4 - Heaven and earth couldn't move David
5 - Noah was in the ark for 40 days and 40 nights and all he
passed was water.
Subj: Tennis in the Bible Section: Religious Humor [14]
From: David Rogers <SL1> 76470,3511 # 276, 1 Reply
When Joseph served in Pharoah's court.
From: David Etheridge 76317,2071 # 240, * No Replies *
I have a special interest in the use of humor by writers of the Bible--as
opposed to modern jokes based on the Bible like those in an earlier
message in this section.
An example from the Hebrew scriptures is the story in Genesis Chapter 31
where Rachel steals the household gods. When people come looking for them
she sits on them and says she cannot get up because she is having her
period. Another is the story in Genesis 34 where Shechem rapes Dinah and
then proposes that his men marry the daughters of the Jews. Dinah's
brothers tell them they must be circumcised first. They agree and are
circumcised. While they are recovering from the circumcision the Hebrews
kill them. In the 6th chapter of First Samuel the Philistines who have
seized the ark are afflicted with mice and hemorrhoids, so when they give
back the ark to stop the problems they are told to make golden images of
mice and hemorrhoids. In 1 Kings 18: 24-27 when the prophets of Baal try
unsuccessfully to match Elijah in calling down fire, Elijah suggests to
the prophets of Baal that they need to yell louder because it may be that
their god is asleep or otherwise preoccupied. A great one-liner is in
Exodus 14:11 when the Hebrews complain to Moses about his having lead them
into the wilderness, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that
you have taken us away to die in the wilderness?"
In the Christian scriptures there is the story in Mat 8: 28-34 where
Jesus cures an insane man, but at the cost of drowning an entire herd of
livestock (swine). When the people see what he has done they suggest he
go somewhere else. Also in Mark 9: 4-6 Peter is so afraid when Moses and
Elijah appear that he doesn't know anything intelligent to say so he
suggests they put up three tents so they can stay awhile. In John 20:
24-28, when Thomas is told Jesus has arisen, he says he will have to stick
his hand in his side and feel the nail prints before he will believe it .
When Jesus appears to him and offers to let him do that, however, Thomas
decides that won't be necessary and exclaims, "My Lord and my God!"
Another is in Acts 19: 13-16 where some itinerant exorcists tried to use
the name of the Lord Jesus to exorcise someone with possessed by evil
spirits, saying, "I adjure you by the Jesus whom Paul proclaims."The evil
spirit replies, "Jesus I know, and Paul I know; but who are you?" and then
the man with the evil spirit leaped on them and so overpowered them that
they fled out of the house naked and wounded.
Elton Trueblood, in his book, _The Humor of Christ_ makes a pretty good
case for the proposition that Jesus used humor in several parables in
order to make his point.
From: Merle Hertzler 70511,2365 # 250, * No Replies *
Did you know that Adam was the first electronics engineer? He furnished
the rib that God used to make the first loud-speaker!
Subj: God had a car! Section: Religious Humor [14]
From: Sashan 74274,541 # 321, 2 Replies
Of course, It was a Plymouth. In Genesis: "And he drove them out of the
Garden in his Fury..."
From: Sysop Tom Sims 75300,761 # 355, 1 Reply
Yes, but the disciples stuck with Hondas.
The book of Acts says that they were all in one Accord.
From: JW Burgeson <SL5 14> 73531,1501 # 267, 2 Replies
All purpose pagan prayer -- "Lord, please alter your laws of nature in
this one instance -- for my sake, amen."
Often used by non-pagans.
From: Wizop Georgia Griffith 76703,266 # 305, 1 Reply
I have a sign that says "Oh Lord, give me patience, but hurry!"
From: Sashan 74274,541 # 364, 1 Reply
"Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned- AND IT WAS TERRIFIC!!!!"
From: JW Burgeson <SL5 14> 73531,1501 # 268, 1 Reply
A pun is not the lowest form of humor -- a limerick is verse.
From: Sashan 74274,541 # 365, 1 Reply
Cheese, this is gong to bee one hack of a sect-ion. Good thing we were
born and bread for this role.
-Sashan (Atheism is a non-prophet organization)
From: Exec.Vice-Pope TJ 76212,3626 # 383, 1 Reply
Lettuce us pray, on our daily bread, and spread the word on Hellmans !
For thine is the kingdom,
the glory,
the jelly is yours,
now, and peanut butter.
From: Dan Kohanski 73672,1722 # 406, * No Replies *
Our programmer, who art in his cubicle,
Hallowed be thy code.
Thy printout come, thy will be done
by the computer as it is by the analyst.
Give us this day our daily report
and forgive us our page faults,
as we forgive those who lock up our resources.
And lead us not into access violations,
but deliver us from abends,
for thine is the debugger, and CPU rate, and the disk space,
Amen.
(Emendations welcome.)
From: JW Burgeson <SL5 14> 73531,1501 # 273, * No Replies *
Baseball was the first game ever played.
God came -- left early and missed all the excitement.
How do we know?
Gen:1 "In the big inning, God created... ."
Obviously he had to have left the ballpark to do that!
From: Mike Skordos 76601,2012 # 278, * No Replies *
Noticing that just before the big football game started both teams
gathered and prayed briefly, a fan, sitting next to a minister, asked what
he thought would happen if both teams prayed with equal faith and fervor.
" In that event," the minister replied, " I imagine the Lord would kick
back and enjoy one darn good ball game."
Little Mary concluded her prayers one night by saying: " Dear God,
before I finish, please take care of Daddy,Mommy,Grandpa and Grandma,take
care of my baby brother......and please,GOD,
take care of yourself,or else we're all sunk!"
From: Joseph Carson 73530,2350 # 279, 1 Reply
Question: How do you make God laugh?
Answer: Tell Him your plans!
Subj: Shortest man in Bible? Section: Religious Humor [14]
From: Wizop Georgia Griffith 76703,266 # 177, 1 Reply
When we were kids we sang a song: "Zaccheus was a wee little man, a wee
little man was he" in Sunday school. So the shortest man must be Zaccheus.
I am sure there is another answer, though.
From: Hayden 100424,27 # 183, 2 Replies
I like yours, but I always thought it was Bildad - the Shuhite!
From: Merle Hertzler 70511,2365 # 249, * No Replies *
I heard that the shortest man was the soldier who fell asleep on his
watch.
I also heard Ne-hi-miah as an alternative.
From: Marvin Greenberg 71513,763 # 464, * No Replies *
Gods real name is revealed in that part of the verse
"Our father who art in heaven
Harold be thy name"
From: Sarah Karasik 76711,560 # 496, * No Replies *
I'm going to have to tell that joke now aren't I? Okay, a guy dies and
goes to Heaven. He gets to the gates and the head angel (or whatever)
goes "Okay, before I let you in, you have to answer three questions." The
guy goes "okay, no problem." The angel goes "Okay, how many days of the
week start with T?" The guy goes "Hmmm, let me think about." "Okay" the
angel says "The next question, how many seconds are in a year?" "Wow,
that's a hard one, let me get back to you." "Well, okay, and the third
question. What is god's name?" "Phew, I have to think about it, let me
come back in a few days." He goes back a few days later and the angel
goes "Okay, how many days of the week start with T?" "Oh, that's easy,
Today and Tomorrow." The angel says "Well, that isn't exactly the answer I
had in mind,but okay, yeah. And how many seconds are in a year?"
"Twelve." "Twelve?" The angel asks. "Yes, January second, February
second." "Well, okay, yeah, I can see where you'd get that from." the
angel says. "And what is gods name?" "Harold." "Excuse me?" the angel
asks. "Yeah, you know. Our father who art in heaven Harold be thy name."
From: Gerald May <SL6, 9> 76146,3137 # 508, * No Replies *
Many generations ago, somewhere in rural Texas, a young rancher had an
experience of God. God told him to pray for an hour each morning. So he
did, every day.
He met a young woman and they married, and they got a cat for a pet. The
cat caused a little trouble for the rancher's prayer, because it kept
hopping on his lap and purring and leaning up against him like cats do,
and this was a great distraction. The rancher prayed for guidance and
heard God say "just tie the cat to the bedpost while you're praying."
Which he did, and had no more troubles.
The couple had a son who grew up watching his father tie the cat to the
bedpost and pray for an hour every morning, and he (the son) also prayed
an hour each morning. The son grew up to be a successful rancher himself.
And he too married. And he too got a cat. He was so successful, though,
that he was too busy to pray for an hour a day. So he tied his cat to the
bedpost and prayed for half an hour a day. He and his wife had a daughter,
who grew up watching this morning ritual, and mimicked it.
The girl became a woman, inherited the ranch, bought another ranch,
mergered with a meat packing corporation and became a famous and
influential businesswoman. She also married, and had a son, and a cat. She
was so busy, however, that she could only tie her cat to the bedpost and
pray for 15 minutes a day. Her son grew up watching the ritual.
The son became even more successful, moved to a big city as the CEO of a
huge beef marketing conglomerate. And he married. And had a cat. One day
he was visited in his penthouse office by an old family friend whom he
hadn't seen in ages. In the process of discussing old times, the friend
said, "You come from such a religious family. I remember your mother and
your grandfather praying every day. I guess you must do that too."
"No," the man said, "I don't have time to pray. But every morning, rain or
shine, I do make sure the cat is tied to the bedpost for at least five
minutes."
From: Dan Kohanski 73672,1722 # 551, * No Replies *
"Our father who art in heaven
Harold be thy name" <<
From whence cometh that old standby hymn:
"Hark! Then Harold's angels sing"
From: Glyn Norman 100255,1157 # 757, * No Replies *
>>In 1 Kings 18: 24-27 when the prophets of Baal try unsuccessfully to
match Elijah in calling down fire, Elijah suggests to the prophets of Baal
that they need to yell louder because it may be that their god is asleep
or otherwise preoccupied.<<
It might interest you to know that the words used in Hebrew to say that
the Baal God is busy (or as you say, otherwise preoccupied) actually are a
euphemism for "on the toilet". Now that's funny!
From: David Etheridge 76317,2071 # 774, * No Replies *
Thank you, Glyn,
I was aware that the passage is occasionally translated that way. What I
did not know was whether the fact that the "on the toilet" translation is
a minority in the translations I have seen (in English and Spanish) is the
result of prudishness, a preference by translators to keep the scriptures
on "a high level," or because most translators honestly do not agree that
the writer meant "on the toilet." As is probably, obvious, I have not
studied Hebrew, so I appreciate the help of folks who have.
From: Rabbi Maeir 75673,1160 # 993, * No Replies *
My daughter always ended her prayer, not by saying "Amen," but "I mean
it." Perhaps we can learn alot from children.
From: Rabbi Maeir 75673,1160 # 992, * No Replies *
Okay, we also know that tennis is in the Bible since Joseph served in
Pharoah's court. Don't forget football, though, as Moses passed through
the tall waters. How about Star trek? After all, Ezekial saw a flash of
light and from it came four figures of human form -- wasn't this the
landing party?
From: JW Burgeson <SL5 14> 73531,1501 # 874, * No Replies *
Where did language come from?
Language developed out of humanity's deep inner need to complain to
someone.
From: JW Burgeson <SL5 14> 73531,1501 # 875, * No Replies *
What is mind?
Doesn't matter.
What is matter?
Never mind.
B. Russell's parents
From: Carl J. Hahn, III 71231,3240 # 1824, * No Replies *
The answer to whether Adam and Eve had belly buttons is yes. It is where
God put his finger to see if they were done yet.
From: Merle Hertzler 70511,2365 # 1017, * No Replies *
I heard there was this child who never spoke. His parents took him to
many doctors, but none could find the problem. Finally, when he was 5
years old, he is eating dinner and says, "These potatoes are cold." His
parents were ecstatic. "He can talk! Why didn't he ever talk before?"
"Because," replied the boy, "up until now I didn't have anything to
complain about!"
From: Sysop Carol Everhart 71224,317 # 1679, * No Replies *
>>>That reminds me of the joke about the cannibal who ate a rabbi, a
Muslim holy man, and a Catholic missionary. He had an ecumenical movement.
From: Maze 75267,240 # 1985, * No Replies *
I've heard many word-plays and funny errors when people start reciting the
Lord's Prayer, but none better than this one:
7 year old boy: "Our Father, which art in heaven, how'd you know my
name?"
That's it for now. Look for the file HUMOR.002 -- coming to
a library RSN! (RSN = Real Soon Now. Coined by certain
computer software builders, who shall remain nameless.
Burgy
