HERETIC.HTM

 

I was in San Francisco once, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge, and I saw this guy on the bridge about to jump. So I thought I'd try to stall him, detain him long enough for me to put the film in my camera.

 

I said, "Don't jump!" And he turned. You've heard of the Elephant Man? He was kinda like that. He had a -- well, you could say he had the head of a horse.

 

My heart went out to him. I said, "Why the long face?"

 

     "Because all my life people have called me mean names like Flicka, Chess Piece, or Trigger."

 

     "Well, don't worry about it, Ed. It can't be that bad."

 

     "My girlfriend's suing me."

 

     "For Palomino?"

 

     "Why was I put on this earth?"

 

     "My friend, anywhere else you wouldn't stand a chance!"

 

     "Nobody loves me."

 

     "God loves you, you silly ninny."

 

     "How do you know there is a God?"

 

     "Of COURSE there's a God. Do you think that billions of years ago a bunch of molecules floating around at random could someday have had the sense of humor to make you look like that?"

 

     He says, "I do believe in God."

 

     I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

 

     "A Christian."

 

     "Me TOO! Protestant or Catholic?"

 

     "Protestant."

 

     "Me too. What franchise?"

 

     "Baptist."

 

     "Me too. Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

 

     "Northern Baptist."

 

     "Me too. Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reformed Baptist?"

 

     He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist."

 

     I said, "Me too. Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?"

 

   He said, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region."

 

     I said, "Me too. Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

 

     He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

 

     "DIE heretic!" I cried, and shoved him off the bridge.

 

Credit to Emo Phillips

 

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