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1LINER.HTM
Subject:
One Liners
Everyone
has a photographic memory. Some just
don't have film.
Save
the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day
without sunshine is like, night.
On the
other hand, you have different fingers.
I just
got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar
territory.
When
the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Those
who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel
like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You
have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used
against you.
I
wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if
you love peace and quiet.
Pardon
my driving; I'm reloading.
Despite
the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing
is fool-proof, to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism
is a non-prophet organization.
He who
laughs last, thinks slowest.
Depression
is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Early
bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive
way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I
intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If
Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
My mind
Like A Steel Trap - Rusty, and Illegal In 37 States.
Quantum
Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support
bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The
only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When
everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the
wrong
way.
A conclusion
is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience
is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For
every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who
hesitates is probably right.
Never
do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one
is listening until you make a mistake.
Success
always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The
colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The
hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of
the
bread.
The
severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to
reach
it.
To
steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
To
succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
Two
wrongs are only the beginning.
Two
wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
You
never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The
problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday
is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The
sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear
conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you
must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change
is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don't
sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
A fool
and his money are soon partying.
Life is
a crap sandwich, the one with the most bread has to eat the least amount of crap.
Plan to
be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always
try to be modest. And be proud of it!
If you
think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs
may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Everybody
repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
Love
may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell
hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Why are
you only successful at doing something on your last attempt?
Bills
travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard
work pays off in the future. Laziness
pays off now.
Borrow
money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half
the people you know are below average.
99
percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7
percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A
conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at
first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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