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Subject: One Liners


Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.


Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.


A day without sunshine is like, night.


On the other hand, you have different fingers.


I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.


When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.


Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.


You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.


I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.


Honk if you love peace and quiet.


Pardon my driving; I'm reloading.


Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?


Nothing is fool-proof, to a sufficiently talented fool.


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


He who laughs last, thinks slowest.


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.


I intend to live forever - so far, so good.


If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?


My mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty, and Illegal In 37 States.


Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.


Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.


When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the

wrong way.


A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.


Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.


He who hesitates is probably right.


Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.


No one is listening until you make a mistake.


Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.


The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.


The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of

the bread.


The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to

reach it.


To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is



To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your



Two wrongs are only the beginning.


Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.


You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.


Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.


The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.


A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.


Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.


Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.


A fool and his money are soon partying.


Life is a crap sandwich, the one with the most bread has to eat the least amount of crap.


Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.


Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!


If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.


Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.


Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."


Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.


Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.


Why are you only successful at doing something on your last attempt?


Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.


Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.


Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.


Half the people you know are below average.


99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.


A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.


If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.


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